Eighteenth Sunday in Ordinary Time

"Think of what is above, not of what is on earth."  Colossians 3:2.  In reading the Scripture passages for today this one passage struck me as particularly applicable to my struggles.  As an attorney for the state I make a good living, but of course nowhere near the income I could make in private practice.  But I find myself often pondering what I don't have.  I find myself not necessarily wishing for for more wealth but rather daydreaming about what I could do if I more income or if this debt or that debt was paid off.

These desires are not necessarily always selfish - although they often are.  I often think of how I could better use this "extra" or "freed-up" money to benefit needy causes or to make life better for my wife.  But even that is thinking of "what is on earth."  My worrying and wishing is no different than what is describe in the first reading.  By wishing my money can go to other things or that my work produced more money is "vanity of vanities," i.e., supremely futile. Ecclesiastes 1:2.  As Ecclesiastes goes on to say (2:23), the time I spend on these worries is vanity.

My thoughts should be focused on the gifts, blessings and graces I have been given - certainly I am blessed beyond my what I could ever hope to deserve.  After all, in a time of 10% unemployment, that I have been blessed with a job, much less a very good job, and a home that is more than suitable for myself and my wife is more than I could ever hope to deserve.  But maybe it is a coping mechanism.  I do have a very difficult and stressful job. (I appreciate that many have stress in their job but working with abused children and adults has its own brand of stresses.)  Maybe allowing my thoughts to go astray has more to do with coping with stress than actual covetousness.  But even if that were true, would it not be better to use prayers of praise and thanksgiving to God for the many other blessings in my life?  At least then, wouldn't I have some labor to show from my coping and rather than being vanity of vanities.  Such prayer and reflection would open my mind and heart to a greater relationship with God.

I guess it is true that prayer is always the answer.  The sooner I get this through my head and know that turning to God with all things, good and bad, is what He expects and wants, the sooner I will be able to store up the treasures of what matters to God. (Luke 12:21).  Amen.  May God bless you in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.

Tough week

After a long and hectic week I am finally able to take (or finally making the time) to post again.  Seems that my state of mind is so much different than it was one week ago.  Last week I was typing myself into getting excited about going to confession, only to go out of town shopping and not make it back in time to go.  I went with my wife to go shopping in a town about 40-minutes away and we were having such a good time I decided that it would be better for me to spend time with her and go to confession this week.  That was only the start of my issues.

You would think that with a Mass time of 10:00 it would be no problem for me to get up in time to make it.  On Saturday mornings (and most mornings for that matter, but especially on the one morning I can sleep in) I am am normally awake by 7:00-7:30 and cannot go back to sleep.  On Sunday mornings, even though I set an alarm for 8:00 I my eyes always seem to want to stay asleep until around 9:30.  Magically, right around 9:30 I wake up and know that, unless I showered the night before, I will never make it to Mass on time.  This happens far too frequently.

Even though an argument could be made that when I oversleep I don't miss Mass with "deliberate consent," as an attorney I have to be very cautious of doing so and rationalizing away my indiscretions. I would dismiss such a notion because how hard is it to wake up by 9:00 or at least shower and shave the night before so I can quickly get ready on Sunday morning? 

As the week went on my struggles with developing a consistent prayer life kept a downward trajectory.  I have discovered that verbal prayer is not something I will easily develop.  I think I do a pretty good job of saying little prayers throughout the day.  I may ask God's blessing on someone in need, say a small prayer of thanks or even pray for Grace.  Sometimes I will ask for the Holy Spirit to guide me in something I am about to do.  It is the daily and/or nightly prayer that I struggle.  I had created a morning prayer for myself a few weeks ago that started with a Hail Mary and Our Father then went something like this:

Thank you Lord for all of the blessings you bestow upon me.  Thank most for the ability to call You, the Creator of all things, Father.  I am a sinner and unworthy of any of the Graces you give.  I pray that the Holy Spirit will bestow upon me the stillness of heart to hear Your voice, the wisdom to understand Your calling and the strength to do Your will.  I pray that I may keep my eyes fixed upon my Savior on the cross and live this day by His example. Amen.

Even this week I have lost sight up saying that simple morning prayer.  I have recently finished reading The Secret of The Rosary by Saint Louis De Montfort and intend to begin my attempt at joining the Confraternity of the Rosary tomorrow, August 1, 2010.  With my past struggles with saying a simple daily prayer, much less my struggles with a novena, I don't hold out a lot of hope for reaching my goal of saying a Rosary every day for a year, but I guess it is better that I try and fail than not try at all. 

Well, it is almost that time, almost time to get ready for confession and all the graces that flow from it.  I have so much going on in my head that it should be good and all over the place.  I guess I need to find a few pre-confession prayers and spend some time in reflection on my sins.  May God bless you in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. 

One day down

My channeling Bono act worked last night . . . no, I didn't pray to the tune of "Where the Streets Have No Name," I used the "hopeless case" inspiration to have a very nice prayer time. As you may be able to tell by the name of this blog, I suffer from what I have diagnosed as Adult Attention Deficit Disorder (and yes I am a doctor, just one a medical one). I have never gone to an MD to have it officially diagnosed (although I am considering it), but I do horribly suffer from the inability to keep my mind on track. I say suffer because it is either pride or fear that prevents me from getting it treated and it causes great stress for me in my profession.

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statesmen and philosophers and divines." Maybe I do have a little mind but I doubt any statesmen, philosophers or divines will adore it. Then again, who knows, maybe I have my expectations for this blog set too low. :) Anyway, I have foolishly been consistent with trying to deal with this problem without the intervention of medication. I have tried ginkgo biloba and it seemed to offer some relief, but I was inconsistent in taking it. Now I am back on, so let’s see if it pays dividends. If not, who knows, maybe I will venture off and become a pill popper.

Back to the story the point, prayer. I would repeatedly utter the words, "reach me, I know I'm not a hopeless case" anytime my mind would wander last night during prayer and it worked marvelously. That reminds me of my 9th grade English teacher. She used to tell us, a class full of 14 year olds, that if we had writer's block to write the word "sex" over and over and over on our paper until we could think of something to write. Believe me, at 14 it didn't take long for me to come up with something to write about but it wasn't something that was appropriate for my parents to read. In small town Arkansas I guess they had to take what they could find!

Ok, back to prayer. So that little trick worked. I have always found that I have what I would call a two (2) track mind. I could concentrate on something if I had something going on in the background to keep what I would call my "other mind" busy. Some of my law school buddies would pop Adderall during finals while I would O-D on Hendrix or the Blues Brothers. That was always the key, it had to be something familiar, had to be something I knew without concentrating on.

So, maybe if the U2 chants lose effectiveness I can employ my IPOD . . . I wonder if God likes Ben Folds?????