Eighteenth Sunday in Ordinary Time

"Think of what is above, not of what is on earth."  Colossians 3:2.  In reading the Scripture passages for today this one passage struck me as particularly applicable to my struggles.  As an attorney for the state I make a good living, but of course nowhere near the income I could make in private practice.  But I find myself often pondering what I don't have.  I find myself not necessarily wishing for for more wealth but rather daydreaming about what I could do if I more income or if this debt or that debt was paid off.

These desires are not necessarily always selfish - although they often are.  I often think of how I could better use this "extra" or "freed-up" money to benefit needy causes or to make life better for my wife.  But even that is thinking of "what is on earth."  My worrying and wishing is no different than what is describe in the first reading.  By wishing my money can go to other things or that my work produced more money is "vanity of vanities," i.e., supremely futile. Ecclesiastes 1:2.  As Ecclesiastes goes on to say (2:23), the time I spend on these worries is vanity.

My thoughts should be focused on the gifts, blessings and graces I have been given - certainly I am blessed beyond my what I could ever hope to deserve.  After all, in a time of 10% unemployment, that I have been blessed with a job, much less a very good job, and a home that is more than suitable for myself and my wife is more than I could ever hope to deserve.  But maybe it is a coping mechanism.  I do have a very difficult and stressful job. (I appreciate that many have stress in their job but working with abused children and adults has its own brand of stresses.)  Maybe allowing my thoughts to go astray has more to do with coping with stress than actual covetousness.  But even if that were true, would it not be better to use prayers of praise and thanksgiving to God for the many other blessings in my life?  At least then, wouldn't I have some labor to show from my coping and rather than being vanity of vanities.  Such prayer and reflection would open my mind and heart to a greater relationship with God.

I guess it is true that prayer is always the answer.  The sooner I get this through my head and know that turning to God with all things, good and bad, is what He expects and wants, the sooner I will be able to store up the treasures of what matters to God. (Luke 12:21).  Amen.  May God bless you in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.

Tough week

After a long and hectic week I am finally able to take (or finally making the time) to post again.  Seems that my state of mind is so much different than it was one week ago.  Last week I was typing myself into getting excited about going to confession, only to go out of town shopping and not make it back in time to go.  I went with my wife to go shopping in a town about 40-minutes away and we were having such a good time I decided that it would be better for me to spend time with her and go to confession this week.  That was only the start of my issues.

You would think that with a Mass time of 10:00 it would be no problem for me to get up in time to make it.  On Saturday mornings (and most mornings for that matter, but especially on the one morning I can sleep in) I am am normally awake by 7:00-7:30 and cannot go back to sleep.  On Sunday mornings, even though I set an alarm for 8:00 I my eyes always seem to want to stay asleep until around 9:30.  Magically, right around 9:30 I wake up and know that, unless I showered the night before, I will never make it to Mass on time.  This happens far too frequently.

Even though an argument could be made that when I oversleep I don't miss Mass with "deliberate consent," as an attorney I have to be very cautious of doing so and rationalizing away my indiscretions. I would dismiss such a notion because how hard is it to wake up by 9:00 or at least shower and shave the night before so I can quickly get ready on Sunday morning? 

As the week went on my struggles with developing a consistent prayer life kept a downward trajectory.  I have discovered that verbal prayer is not something I will easily develop.  I think I do a pretty good job of saying little prayers throughout the day.  I may ask God's blessing on someone in need, say a small prayer of thanks or even pray for Grace.  Sometimes I will ask for the Holy Spirit to guide me in something I am about to do.  It is the daily and/or nightly prayer that I struggle.  I had created a morning prayer for myself a few weeks ago that started with a Hail Mary and Our Father then went something like this:

Thank you Lord for all of the blessings you bestow upon me.  Thank most for the ability to call You, the Creator of all things, Father.  I am a sinner and unworthy of any of the Graces you give.  I pray that the Holy Spirit will bestow upon me the stillness of heart to hear Your voice, the wisdom to understand Your calling and the strength to do Your will.  I pray that I may keep my eyes fixed upon my Savior on the cross and live this day by His example. Amen.

Even this week I have lost sight up saying that simple morning prayer.  I have recently finished reading The Secret of The Rosary by Saint Louis De Montfort and intend to begin my attempt at joining the Confraternity of the Rosary tomorrow, August 1, 2010.  With my past struggles with saying a simple daily prayer, much less my struggles with a novena, I don't hold out a lot of hope for reaching my goal of saying a Rosary every day for a year, but I guess it is better that I try and fail than not try at all. 

Well, it is almost that time, almost time to get ready for confession and all the graces that flow from it.  I have so much going on in my head that it should be good and all over the place.  I guess I need to find a few pre-confession prayers and spend some time in reflection on my sins.  May God bless you in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.