Eighteenth Sunday in Ordinary Time

"Think of what is above, not of what is on earth."  Colossians 3:2.  In reading the Scripture passages for today this one passage struck me as particularly applicable to my struggles.  As an attorney for the state I make a good living, but of course nowhere near the income I could make in private practice.  But I find myself often pondering what I don't have.  I find myself not necessarily wishing for for more wealth but rather daydreaming about what I could do if I more income or if this debt or that debt was paid off.

These desires are not necessarily always selfish - although they often are.  I often think of how I could better use this "extra" or "freed-up" money to benefit needy causes or to make life better for my wife.  But even that is thinking of "what is on earth."  My worrying and wishing is no different than what is describe in the first reading.  By wishing my money can go to other things or that my work produced more money is "vanity of vanities," i.e., supremely futile. Ecclesiastes 1:2.  As Ecclesiastes goes on to say (2:23), the time I spend on these worries is vanity.

My thoughts should be focused on the gifts, blessings and graces I have been given - certainly I am blessed beyond my what I could ever hope to deserve.  After all, in a time of 10% unemployment, that I have been blessed with a job, much less a very good job, and a home that is more than suitable for myself and my wife is more than I could ever hope to deserve.  But maybe it is a coping mechanism.  I do have a very difficult and stressful job. (I appreciate that many have stress in their job but working with abused children and adults has its own brand of stresses.)  Maybe allowing my thoughts to go astray has more to do with coping with stress than actual covetousness.  But even if that were true, would it not be better to use prayers of praise and thanksgiving to God for the many other blessings in my life?  At least then, wouldn't I have some labor to show from my coping and rather than being vanity of vanities.  Such prayer and reflection would open my mind and heart to a greater relationship with God.

I guess it is true that prayer is always the answer.  The sooner I get this through my head and know that turning to God with all things, good and bad, is what He expects and wants, the sooner I will be able to store up the treasures of what matters to God. (Luke 12:21).  Amen.  May God bless you in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.

Tough week

After a long and hectic week I am finally able to take (or finally making the time) to post again.  Seems that my state of mind is so much different than it was one week ago.  Last week I was typing myself into getting excited about going to confession, only to go out of town shopping and not make it back in time to go.  I went with my wife to go shopping in a town about 40-minutes away and we were having such a good time I decided that it would be better for me to spend time with her and go to confession this week.  That was only the start of my issues.

You would think that with a Mass time of 10:00 it would be no problem for me to get up in time to make it.  On Saturday mornings (and most mornings for that matter, but especially on the one morning I can sleep in) I am am normally awake by 7:00-7:30 and cannot go back to sleep.  On Sunday mornings, even though I set an alarm for 8:00 I my eyes always seem to want to stay asleep until around 9:30.  Magically, right around 9:30 I wake up and know that, unless I showered the night before, I will never make it to Mass on time.  This happens far too frequently.

Even though an argument could be made that when I oversleep I don't miss Mass with "deliberate consent," as an attorney I have to be very cautious of doing so and rationalizing away my indiscretions. I would dismiss such a notion because how hard is it to wake up by 9:00 or at least shower and shave the night before so I can quickly get ready on Sunday morning? 

As the week went on my struggles with developing a consistent prayer life kept a downward trajectory.  I have discovered that verbal prayer is not something I will easily develop.  I think I do a pretty good job of saying little prayers throughout the day.  I may ask God's blessing on someone in need, say a small prayer of thanks or even pray for Grace.  Sometimes I will ask for the Holy Spirit to guide me in something I am about to do.  It is the daily and/or nightly prayer that I struggle.  I had created a morning prayer for myself a few weeks ago that started with a Hail Mary and Our Father then went something like this:

Thank you Lord for all of the blessings you bestow upon me.  Thank most for the ability to call You, the Creator of all things, Father.  I am a sinner and unworthy of any of the Graces you give.  I pray that the Holy Spirit will bestow upon me the stillness of heart to hear Your voice, the wisdom to understand Your calling and the strength to do Your will.  I pray that I may keep my eyes fixed upon my Savior on the cross and live this day by His example. Amen.

Even this week I have lost sight up saying that simple morning prayer.  I have recently finished reading The Secret of The Rosary by Saint Louis De Montfort and intend to begin my attempt at joining the Confraternity of the Rosary tomorrow, August 1, 2010.  With my past struggles with saying a simple daily prayer, much less my struggles with a novena, I don't hold out a lot of hope for reaching my goal of saying a Rosary every day for a year, but I guess it is better that I try and fail than not try at all. 

Well, it is almost that time, almost time to get ready for confession and all the graces that flow from it.  I have so much going on in my head that it should be good and all over the place.  I guess I need to find a few pre-confession prayers and spend some time in reflection on my sins.  May God bless you in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. 

Reflection and confession

While working on my autoblogography, it is a work-in-progress, I was reflecting on how I haven't posted on here as much as I would like.  This stems from many things (that is for another post in and of itself) but is something I plan on being more vigilant about in the future.  Anyway, that led me to going back and reading my posts prior to deciding to focus this blog on being Catholic and growing as a Catholic.  I am very thankful for the inspiration from the Holy Spirit to have made the change.  Politics is certainly not my cup of tea(-party). :) 

I am excited and hesitant about going to confession today.  About a month ago I was listening to St. Francis de Sales book "An Introduction to the Devout Life" on my iPod and was struck with his discussion of a general confession (I am going to dedicate an entire post on this in the (hopefully) near future).  Actually, I was initially struck by his discussion of the affections of sin, but again, that is off topic.  Anyway, as I prepared for my general confession I got wrapped up in the great deal of my many sins and and the line blurred between what I had done in the past and what I had done since my last confession. This led to a great amount of fear about my need to go to "regular" confession after over-sleeping Mass one Sunday (and other sins that we needn't get into here). 

Basically, during my reflection for my general confession I came to realize a whole lot of sins that I had never contemplated as being sins before were actually sins and I had never confessed them.  Thus, I came to fear that I couldn't give a proper "regular" confession without including all of those past sins I had never contemplated, and I was nowhere near ready for my general confession.  So, I went to talk to my priest this week about this problem.  As a great man of God, he gave me sage advice and instructed me that I could confess the sins since my last confession and deal  with those sins from the past in the general confession.  As he correctly pointed out, those past sins weren't mortal sins, since I didn't know they were sins at the time. "Mortal sin is sin whose object is grave matter and which is also committed with full knowledge and deliberate consent." (Catechism Paragraph 1857.)

I am excited about receiving the Grace of God through the Sacrament of Confession.  I greatly anticipate the burdens of my sin being lifted from my soul and being brought closer to union with God.  After all that, I don't know why I would be hesitant.  After all, the knowledge that I will be forgiven of my sins and will, barring any mortal since in the mean time, get to reunite my soul with the physical presence of Christ in the Eucharist can only be a cause for joy and should wipe away all fear.  Amen.

Improvements and changes

Big things are happening here at Growing Catholic.  Tonight I have registered the domain name www.growingcatholic.com.  I decided to do this today on my 2-hour ride to court this morning after listening to The Catholics Next Door and hearing Greg interview Gary E. Zimak with Following the Truth Ministries.  He seemed to be 6-8 years ago where I am today.  I feel the Holy Spirit was really talking to me during Greg's broadcast about how different people are using "new media" (I guess the internet is still considered "new media"?) to evangalize. 

I got to thinking about why I started this blog and why I changed the focus from what was initially going to be about politics AND religion to my journey back to the Catholic Church.  Mostly, listening reaffirmed that this blog isn't about me, it is about the Holy Spirit using me and whatever talents I may have been given to reach someone or someones (don't think that is a word, but whatever) who needs it.  Just like Greg's interview of Gary today reached me in a way I doubt either of them knew, I hope maybe, if it be God's Will that I can reach one or more persons who are also attempting to grow in their Catholic faith. 

I haven't committed myself to this blog like I should in the past.  But today I hope to be able to start a new commitment to blogging regularly.  I go through time where I cannot bring myself to write anything, mostly out of the sin of pride I have found.  Then there are times that I have multiple things I want to write about and not enough time to write about them all.  I had a striking dream last night about reoccurring sin that I want to delve into.  I still cannot get my mind around the second reading from last Sunday and I want to think through it out-loud here.  I want to write a long detailed spiritually-biographical post that I can link to under the "About Me" section, so hopefully as new people come to my blog they will know where I started and can read the posts and see where I have come in my faith.  I have started reading Upon This Rock by Steven Ray and I am very excited about what I have learned.  I have undertaken trying to do a general confession and hope that sharing my struggles with that will ease them and allow me to progress.  I am overwhelmed about how little I know and understand about my Catholic faith and how much I have to learn. 

If you have stumbled upon my little corner of the Catholic blogosphere, I hope you enjoy reading my humble works, can commiserate with me as sinner and maybe, with the Grace of God you will learn something or grow with me in our Catholic faith.

Backyards

There is something special, something mystical, almost holy about that place we go where the cares of the world pass away and we commune with ourselves and with God.  For me, that place is the backyard.  Before the summer really set in, I would go and sit in the backyard and read, contemplate, pray, meditate or anything else that would ease my mind and lift my spirit.  I try to concentrate on God, to be still and to listen to Him.  Those times bring refreshment and renewal.

Today, I got up early to mow my yard for the first time in at least 3-weeks.  Between the rain and my allergies acting up worse than normal this summer I have not been able to get out to it. I was able to get that done right before it appeared the rain was about to set in.  Luckily, the day was overcast, without rain, and cool, remarkably so for July.  The high today didn't reach 80 and with the clouds and breeze, it felt like I should have been sitting at a football game.  I took full advantage of this weather and sat and read a book on the Rosary.  The weather was so nice, I closed my book and took a little nap. 

We moved into this house almost three years ago, and I don't know how I survived before I had this place to go.  I guess it is no coincidence that my re-connecting with my Catholic faith coincided with my connecting to my enjoyment of the backyard.  It is being able to go and find this place of stillness and silence (or at least of nothing but the white noise of God's creation) that I am able to connect with my Creator and grow in my personal relationship with Him.

Just one of many blessings bestowed upon me, of which I am undeserving.  

Love and weakness

"I never claimed to be a hero, and I never said I was a saint."  Lyrics from Temptation by one of my favorite artists of all time, Billy Joel.  That line pretty much describes how I feel right now.

After a long hard week in which I had at least a half-day of court every day, I am very thankful for the weekend.  Working in the field of child protective services and adult protective services takes an extra toll, more than just working long hours having to stay mentally alert with few breaks.  Not that I am complaining, I absolutely feel very blessed to have the God-given gifts to be an attorney and be able to use those gifts to help those less fortunate.  However, my attitude has really suffered this evening.

I guess I am just trying to say that after such a long hard week I am finding it very difficult to have a good attitude about being a husband and friend.  After spending the last few weeks failing myself in my quest to healthier, I am spending tonight failing the Lord in what he calls me (and all of us) to first, Loving others.  It is beyond my comprehension how I knowingly and all but purposefully fail, yet the Lord still blesses. 

Despite every good intentions and well meaning effort I have given, I cannot Love unceasingly.  Despite prayer and contemplation, I cannot suffer hurt from others and not fail to Love them.  Despite knowing that God has called me to give all that I am, I find myself rationalizing with an eye-for-an-eye mentality.  It is in this failure that I find my deepest despair.  It is this failure that I feel most helpless to overcome. It is this weakness that causes me the most shame and difficulty in seeking the Spirit's help.

Only His Love, Love that defies all human definition, can explain how despite my sin the Lord continues to bless me.  It is in His Love that I can have confidence in forgiveness of my sins.  It is His Love that makes my heart smile and my spirit rise. 

Humility before God

During my prayers tonight my mind drifted off to a time not to long ago when I received a complement about my lawyering ability from an attorney whom I admire greatly.  We had recently had a 3-day trial and a relative passed along some kind things the attorney had said.  I remember being humbled and honored that this attorney, whom in my estimation is the best courtroom tactician I have every seen in person. This got me to thinking about how other people when they win awards or are elected to a position say how humbled and grateful they are.  Whether they believe it or not, I think we can all relate to that feeling. 

Then I got to thinking that if I felt that way about this other attorney, and we all (at least should) feel that way when given an honor or placed in a position of responsibility, how can we not feel at least that when coming to God in prayer.  How do we dare speak when in God's presence?  How can we dare ask for anything?  How can we feel anything other than the utmost reverence and praise that such an awesome God would honor us by allowing us to call him Father.  "Our Father," the words that begin the Lord's Prayer should make our knees tremble and our hearts rejoice each time we say them.

Pentecost

Without a doubt, one of the biggest obstacles, at least in my thinking, is my struggle to form a prayer life.  Granted, this is only something I have really concentrated on in the past few months, but for someone who often have things come fairly easily, it has been very frustrating.  That frustration has boiled over into sin.  So, when I went to confession today, of course that was one of the sins I confessed.  My prayer these past few weeks has been mostly about me, my struggles, my desires and not focused on others as I know it should.  So, I must say it was surprising when my penance included praying and asking God to send the Holy Spirit upon me to strengthen me. 

This makes sense, given that it tomorrow is Pentecost.  Pentecost is of course when the Holy Spirit descended upon the Disciples and gave them the Grace to spread the Gospel throughout the world.  We should all pray that the Holy Spirit consumes our soul and leads to the life God has planned.  Only with the help of the Holy Spirit can we find true happiness and peace. 

Doing things differently

I have been pretty down in the dumps the past week or so.  I have prayed and contemplated the causes of this feeling and have it boiled down to two things:  1) a lack of a prayer life; and 2) unhealthy meal choices.  I also think those two are somewhat interrelated.  I overeat often times out of boredom.  Its really not so much out of boredom as it is out of needing to fill something in me, well, that and food is good.  I made the mistake weekend before last of getting vanilla ice cream and chocolate syrup at the store.  Only my fear of my wife's comments has kept me from eating some on a nightly basis.  Anyway, back to the point, I know in my heart that that hole I am trying to fill with food can only truly be filled by a more complete relationship with God.  And (all together now) the only way to have a more complete relationship with God is through??? Prayer!!

The figuring out the problem was the easy part.  (Honestly, I have known these are the problems for most of my adult life.)  The part that is obviously difficult-to-impossible for me to figure out is how to solve these problems.  As for the eating, I have been doing better the last year or so on portion sizes.  This has helped, but hasn't stopped the snacking between meals.  The snacking that I know will only make me feel worse, but that feels so good for the short period of time the food is in my mouth.  It is in that moment that I need to find a way to find the grace and strength to overcome my mortal weakness.  That is something I hope to find through prayer.

In the past when in a funk like this I would have no problem with running to God, begging for his grace and promising to continue praying after he grants relief.  I think we all know how this story goes, God grants me his grace to overcome my difficulties and I continue with the prayers for a while.  But soon, I allow pride, life and the world to get in the way and the prayer falls to the wayside.  This time has to be different.  This time I have to find a way to make a better path. 

The good news is that I have made a new exercise plan that includes prayer.  I had been trying to run, but my body is telling me that it is just too much to continue at this weight.  I am being careful not to pray for a quick fix and make promises.  I am praying for the wisdom and grace to be able to offer my suffering for God's glory.  In fact, my prayer this time around will be two fold: 1) to be able to find a way to glorify God in everything I do; and 2) as perfectly state by Greg on The Catholics Next Door this morning, to feel God's love comforting me.  Sounds like a good start on a different path.

Decisions, decisions

In contemplating this blog and its role in my life, I am trying to decide whether to spend any money on it, i.e. registering a domain name, etc. and its focus. The title is "A Catholic View," but I have found another blog with this same title. I should have known that someone would have already chosen such an uncreative title. That blog is older and honestly much better. So, I guess I need to change the name. The next question is "what name to change it to?" For that I must look at the description I have for the blog. How I currently describe it, in short, is that it is a blog about me growing up Catholic in protestant Arkansas. I did that in an attempt to sort of separate myself from the thousands of other bloggers out there who are Catholics who blog. Yet, not a single post has been about that subject, and honestly, I don't know how much I have to say on that subject.

The reality is that this blog is not about much more than my current life. I guess that is ok, but I don’t know how that plays into my inspiration for this site. It started as a politically oriented blog, but in growing more in my faith I came to the realization that the Lord was calling me in another direction. Since that time, I cannot decide if this is a tool for growth in my own faith or one used to help others. Honestly, I don’t know that it matters because it has helped me. How it helps others is in God’s hands.

So, now the issue becomes do I change the name and if so, what to? Do I keep the current "theme" in the caption, if so, how much do I need to write about that theme (certainly more than zero as I have done up till now). If I change the "theme," what would the new "theme" be? Do the "theme" and the title have to match? How much input does the availability of a domain name play into the title? All these are questions that must be answered, so how do I do that.

In the process of writing this post I have been inspired to the new name, Growing Catholic. That name is available as a .com domain name and I cannot find a blog by that name already. So, that is it, the official new name of my blog. Now, its lunch time and then off to figure out what to do for the rest of the day.