As I was catching up on reading the Magnificat Year of Faith Companion (link is sold out, but their other publications are well worth looking into) and read a reflection by Father J. Anthony Giambrone, O.P. on Peter's denial of Jesus, or more accurately Peter's lack of belief in Jesus telling Peter that he would deny Him three times [Matthew 26:33]. Father Giambrone highlights how Peter had to believe that he was "capable of the lowest betrayal." Father Giambrone writes that deep down we must all realize that we are capable of such sin and that it is only God's grace that saves us.
As I attempted to process what Father Giambrone was saying it got me to thinking about how deep my sin truly goes. My sin is much more than failing to pray, or thinking something unkind about a co-worker; i.e., "what I have done and what I have failed to do." My sin is in the motivation for those thoughts and actions. In my reflection and prayer after election day got me to realize that I wanted certain candidates and issues to prevail or lose not just because I believed that was the better course, but because deep inside I wanted the satisfaction of knowing I am right. This sin of motivation permiates every aspect of my life. I have come to realize that on some level that my motivation for doing the good I do is so I can feel better about myself and so I can feel like I am making a difference.
The entirety of my motivation for everything I do is not for God's glory. That certainly is part of my motivation for doing the good things I do, but not the singular motivation. Nor am I satisfied with knowing that God sees my good deeds and will reward me in His Grace. I am secretly let down when what I see as my own sacrifices for others' benefit are not even privately acknowledged. My sin is the flip-side of Peter's sin highlighted by Father Giambrone. Just as Peter was able to overcome his sinfulness, become the Rock upon which Jesus builds His Church and ultimately give his life for God, only with God's Grace can I completely die to myself and give my entire life for God to do as He wills.
"If you want to be happy, really really happy, use your talents to serve others." - Eduardo Verastegui