As I was catching up on reading the Magnificat Year of Faith Companion (link is sold out, but their other publications are well worth looking into) and read a reflection by Father J. Anthony Giambrone, O.P. on Peter's denial of Jesus, or more accurately Peter's lack of belief in Jesus telling Peter that he would deny Him three times [Matthew 26:33]. Father Giambrone highlights how Peter had to believe that he was "capable of the lowest betrayal." Father Giambrone writes that deep down we must all realize that we are capable of such sin and that it is only God's grace that saves us.
As I attempted to process what Father Giambrone was saying it got me to thinking about how deep my sin truly goes. My sin is much more than failing to pray, or thinking something unkind about a co-worker; i.e., "what I have done and what I have failed to do." My sin is in the motivation for those thoughts and actions. In my reflection and prayer after election day got me to realize that I wanted certain candidates and issues to prevail or lose not just because I believed that was the better course, but because deep inside I wanted the satisfaction of knowing I am right. This sin of motivation permiates every aspect of my life. I have come to realize that on some level that my motivation for doing the good I do is so I can feel better about myself and so I can feel like I am making a difference.
The entirety of my motivation for everything I do is not for God's glory. That certainly is part of my motivation for doing the good things I do, but not the singular motivation. Nor am I satisfied with knowing that God sees my good deeds and will reward me in His Grace. I am secretly let down when what I see as my own sacrifices for others' benefit are not even privately acknowledged. My sin is the flip-side of Peter's sin highlighted by Father Giambrone. Just as Peter was able to overcome his sinfulness, become the Rock upon which Jesus builds His Church and ultimately give his life for God, only with God's Grace can I completely die to myself and give my entire life for God to do as He wills.
"If you want to be happy, really really happy, use your talents to serve others." - Eduardo Verastegui
Saturday, December 1, 2012
Thursday, November 22, 2012
what a day
Tonight I am feeling bored and stressed at the same time. I have tons to do, but don't feel like doing anything and feeling like I need NEED to do something. I don't feel this way often because normally I have so much to do that I don't have the opportunity to feel bored. This feeling is more than boredom, its sort of hopeless too. I have been off of work this week and I have had the chance to pause and feel the title wave of life hit me. Work is beyond out of control, it is scary. I am sort of digesting the feeling of dissapointment from Arkansas not passing the medical marijuana law on election day.
This is a shitty way to feel on Thanksgiving. A day I should take a moment to take stock of all the blessings in my life and be thankful, I spend in self-pity. I can't say this is the first holiday I have felt this way, doubt it will be the last. I do have so much to be thankful for. I have a wife that I love and loves me. We are unquestionably each others best friend. No one knows me like her. The best part about our relationship is how she makes me better. Some how, in ways that I know she doesn't realize and I don't understand, she tears me down and builds me up at the same time. She makes me want to serve her more and more every day. She makes me want to give more and more of myself to her. She challenges me; she pushes me to improve. I want nothing more than to help her, to take away everything that brings her harm.
I wish she had the experience I have with my job. As horrible as my job is at times. As difficult as it is to deal with the children and families in horrible situations, it makes me appreciate all the blessings in my life. I guess in that odd way, every day of my life is Thanksgiving.
"If you want to be happy, really really happy, use your talents to serve others." - Eduardo Verastegui
This is a shitty way to feel on Thanksgiving. A day I should take a moment to take stock of all the blessings in my life and be thankful, I spend in self-pity. I can't say this is the first holiday I have felt this way, doubt it will be the last. I do have so much to be thankful for. I have a wife that I love and loves me. We are unquestionably each others best friend. No one knows me like her. The best part about our relationship is how she makes me better. Some how, in ways that I know she doesn't realize and I don't understand, she tears me down and builds me up at the same time. She makes me want to serve her more and more every day. She makes me want to give more and more of myself to her. She challenges me; she pushes me to improve. I want nothing more than to help her, to take away everything that brings her harm.
I wish she had the experience I have with my job. As horrible as my job is at times. As difficult as it is to deal with the children and families in horrible situations, it makes me appreciate all the blessings in my life. I guess in that odd way, every day of my life is Thanksgiving.
"If you want to be happy, really really happy, use your talents to serve others." - Eduardo Verastegui
Monday, November 12, 2012
Really?
Since the election last week I have found myself thinking more and more of Blessed Mother Teresa. To say I don't understand how America could vote to re-elect President Obama is an understatement. What I feel mostly is betrayed. I don't know if I feel betrayed by my own naivety or by everyone (teachers, politicians, friends, family, MYSELF) who ever tried to convince me that America was this grand idealistic conception that somehow, maybe even through the intervention and grace of God, had cemented itself as the one people that could (with apologies to William H. Buckley, Jr.) stand athwart the tempest of history. I don't know if America ever was the great idealistic nation that politicians of all stripes try to sell it as, but unquestionably it is not now.
Not to say I was sold on Mitt Romney as president. I had no delusions that he would be able to stem the financial tidal-wave of debt or bridge the ever-widening gap between the left and the right. But he was something more than the lesser of two evils. I didn't vote for either McCain or Obama in 2008 because I couldn't decide which would be the lesser of the two evils (and by evil I mean horrible president). Romney appears to be an exceptionally nice guy and he has a brain for business that would serve this nation well. Those qualities plus he had Paul Ryan as his running mate made me decide to vote for him. I admire Mr. Ryan because he appears to be the only politician that is willing to have a serious discussion about that financial tidal-wave. Plus, as the priests on the Catholic Stuff You Should Know podcast pointed out, he gives the most authentic Catholic answers to questions of any politician in my memory.
It is more than just the particulars of the candidates that has me feeling betrayed, it is how the campaigns were run. President Obama did not run his campaign on the issues that face us as a nation and how he would address those issues. President Obama's campaign sought to fracture Americans along gender, racial and economic lines. Mr. Romney's campaign was about how he would solve the issues that face us as a nation. Whether Mr. Romney's plan would solve any problems is not the point. If America truly was this grand pillar, this shinning city on a hill, President Obama's campaign would have had him run out of office on a wave of national pride. But that didn't happen.
So I have been thinking about Blessed Mother Teresa. I have been wondering what she thought about the state of politics and society in India during her decades of service to the poorest of the poor. I can only imagine it disgusted her, even more than what America is/has-become does me. I pondered how she made it, not how she dealt with the human suffering she encountered daily, how she worked to help those people in a society that cared less about them than the America cares about those on the margins of society. I wondered how she had the strength to not loose focus, to not lose hope.
Then I decided to radically change my heart. To search for those things in my heart that I was grasping onto in a desperate attempt feel secure and feel in control. I decided to eradicate those things from my life, from my mind and from my heart. To focus ever more intently on God. I decided that there wasn't anything in this world worth giving myself to and my only hope was to give everything I am to God. Only through God's grace can we change lives and through each of these lives change this world. Pray with me that more people will listen to God's call to become those persons and that each of us will look beyond ourselves and dedicate our lives to the service of others.
"If you want to be happy, really really happy, use your talents to serve others." - Eduardo Verastegui
Not to say I was sold on Mitt Romney as president. I had no delusions that he would be able to stem the financial tidal-wave of debt or bridge the ever-widening gap between the left and the right. But he was something more than the lesser of two evils. I didn't vote for either McCain or Obama in 2008 because I couldn't decide which would be the lesser of the two evils (and by evil I mean horrible president). Romney appears to be an exceptionally nice guy and he has a brain for business that would serve this nation well. Those qualities plus he had Paul Ryan as his running mate made me decide to vote for him. I admire Mr. Ryan because he appears to be the only politician that is willing to have a serious discussion about that financial tidal-wave. Plus, as the priests on the Catholic Stuff You Should Know podcast pointed out, he gives the most authentic Catholic answers to questions of any politician in my memory.
It is more than just the particulars of the candidates that has me feeling betrayed, it is how the campaigns were run. President Obama did not run his campaign on the issues that face us as a nation and how he would address those issues. President Obama's campaign sought to fracture Americans along gender, racial and economic lines. Mr. Romney's campaign was about how he would solve the issues that face us as a nation. Whether Mr. Romney's plan would solve any problems is not the point. If America truly was this grand pillar, this shinning city on a hill, President Obama's campaign would have had him run out of office on a wave of national pride. But that didn't happen.
So I have been thinking about Blessed Mother Teresa. I have been wondering what she thought about the state of politics and society in India during her decades of service to the poorest of the poor. I can only imagine it disgusted her, even more than what America is/has-become does me. I pondered how she made it, not how she dealt with the human suffering she encountered daily, how she worked to help those people in a society that cared less about them than the America cares about those on the margins of society. I wondered how she had the strength to not loose focus, to not lose hope.
Then I decided to radically change my heart. To search for those things in my heart that I was grasping onto in a desperate attempt feel secure and feel in control. I decided to eradicate those things from my life, from my mind and from my heart. To focus ever more intently on God. I decided that there wasn't anything in this world worth giving myself to and my only hope was to give everything I am to God. Only through God's grace can we change lives and through each of these lives change this world. Pray with me that more people will listen to God's call to become those persons and that each of us will look beyond ourselves and dedicate our lives to the service of others.
"If you want to be happy, really really happy, use your talents to serve others." - Eduardo Verastegui
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Happy Father's Day
I cannot say thank you enough to my father, Charles Higdon. If I knew how to say "Thank you" in every language ever used on this planet I would not begin to say it enough. While I am not a father myself, I learned all about how to be a man from my dad.
What he taught me was not the "how to be a man" you see on TV or on the big screen -- especially in this day and age when men are portrayed as weak and dumb. The manhood my father taught was not Rambo and was not According to Jim. The manhood my father taught me was that it doesn't really matter what you say, but what you do. It matters that make decisions that benefit those you are responsible for, even if it means degrading and demeaning yourself.
The manhood my father taught me was to be patient with everyone, even yourself. I was taught to help those around you, even if it cost you money. I was taught that family means more than materials. I was taught to stand up for your principals. The manhood my father taught me was to never lose faith in God.
The one story that has always stood to me regarding my father was but a fleeting moment on vacation. I don't remember how hold I was, but we were on vacation on the beach. My father and I were walking when these kids, older than I was, probably teens, came up to him and asked him a question. I don't remember what it was, I only remember that the question and my dad's answer was calculated to make him look stupid and give them a giggle. I remember being embarrassed because my dad had no idea what was going on. As an adult, I know that it didn't matter. I know that my dad didn't have the first care what those kids thought of him. By answering their question he was trying to help them. I know he would have done the same even if he had known the whole thing was designed to make him look foolish in those kid's eyes. My dad only cared about spending time with me and helping someone else where he could.
Of the multitude of things I have to be thankful for in my life, one of the things I am most faithful for is the chance to get to know my father as an adult. I cannot imagine what my now 73 year old father sees when he looks around the world, but I know he looks at it with a rock solid faith and an unwavering devotion to his family. My sole goal every day is to try and be a fraction of the man my father is.
When I look at society and see what it is becoming. When I look at a world that has zero use for a man's role in raising children. I only need think of one of the numerous examples of what being a real man is that were taught to me by Charles Higdon and pray.
"If you want to be happy, really really happy, use your talents to serve others." - Eduardo Verastegui
What he taught me was not the "how to be a man" you see on TV or on the big screen -- especially in this day and age when men are portrayed as weak and dumb. The manhood my father taught was not Rambo and was not According to Jim. The manhood my father taught me was that it doesn't really matter what you say, but what you do. It matters that make decisions that benefit those you are responsible for, even if it means degrading and demeaning yourself.
The manhood my father taught me was to be patient with everyone, even yourself. I was taught to help those around you, even if it cost you money. I was taught that family means more than materials. I was taught to stand up for your principals. The manhood my father taught me was to never lose faith in God.
The one story that has always stood to me regarding my father was but a fleeting moment on vacation. I don't remember how hold I was, but we were on vacation on the beach. My father and I were walking when these kids, older than I was, probably teens, came up to him and asked him a question. I don't remember what it was, I only remember that the question and my dad's answer was calculated to make him look stupid and give them a giggle. I remember being embarrassed because my dad had no idea what was going on. As an adult, I know that it didn't matter. I know that my dad didn't have the first care what those kids thought of him. By answering their question he was trying to help them. I know he would have done the same even if he had known the whole thing was designed to make him look foolish in those kid's eyes. My dad only cared about spending time with me and helping someone else where he could.
Of the multitude of things I have to be thankful for in my life, one of the things I am most faithful for is the chance to get to know my father as an adult. I cannot imagine what my now 73 year old father sees when he looks around the world, but I know he looks at it with a rock solid faith and an unwavering devotion to his family. My sole goal every day is to try and be a fraction of the man my father is.
When I look at society and see what it is becoming. When I look at a world that has zero use for a man's role in raising children. I only need think of one of the numerous examples of what being a real man is that were taught to me by Charles Higdon and pray.
"If you want to be happy, really really happy, use your talents to serve others." - Eduardo Verastegui
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Saw this twitter post a while back. It struck home that day and continues to everyday:
I struggle to not let my increasingly dim view of the future not envelope my life. I pray that the Holy Spirit will come and give me Christ's peace and joy.
"If you want to be happy, really really happy, use your talents to serve others." - Eduardo Verastegui
I struggle to not let my increasingly dim view of the future not envelope my life. I pray that the Holy Spirit will come and give me Christ's peace and joy.
"If you want to be happy, really really happy, use your talents to serve others." - Eduardo Verastegui
Praying for America
With each passing day I become more and more gloomy on the outlook for America.
*Each day it seems that the current administration takes an act that can only be seen as a shockwave to the Constitution and/or individual liberty. I would be willing to bet that a cursory glance at almost every President's actions would result in some law that they refused to enforce laws. President Obama has taken it to a level never before seen. From his limited enforcement of Obamacare, to his failure to defend the Defense of Marriage Act, to not prosecuting medical marijuana, Obama has refused to enforce the legally passed and signed laws of this nation that do not fit his political narrative. Now, he has said his administration will not deport certain illegal immigrants. Certainly, there would be a firestorm raised by those on the left were a president refusing to enforce certain gun laws or certain anti-discrimination laws.
*I live in a nation that is divided. The reaction to the immoral and illegal acts of politicians and celebrities is not proportional to the degree of the bad act, but whether that person has a D or an R beside their name. President George W. Bush water-boards a few people and liberals demonize him while conservatives praise him. President Obama kills people, including American citizens, with unmanned drones in foreign country who he decides no longer deserve to live which is hailed by liberals and deride by conservatives when it is politically expedient.
*I live in a world where a man that believes he is Napoleon is locked away and medicated into a stupor, but a man that believes he is a woman is celebrated and given special treatment
*I live in a nation that spends billions a year on research to cure an illness (AIDS) that could be all but eradicated in a generation by the simple exercise of individual chastity.
*I live in a nation where individual freedom no longer means a lack of governmental imposition on the lives of citizens, but now is the freedom to do what you want, as long as it in line with those in power.
*I live in a world where who you sleep with is more important than any other individual trait.
I surely do not know how atheists get out of bed each day. I cannot imagine how I would be able to live if I thought there was nothing more, nothing worth striving for, nothing worth believing in.
"If you want to be happy, really really happy, use your talents to serve others." - Eduardo Verastegui
*Each day it seems that the current administration takes an act that can only be seen as a shockwave to the Constitution and/or individual liberty. I would be willing to bet that a cursory glance at almost every President's actions would result in some law that they refused to enforce laws. President Obama has taken it to a level never before seen. From his limited enforcement of Obamacare, to his failure to defend the Defense of Marriage Act, to not prosecuting medical marijuana, Obama has refused to enforce the legally passed and signed laws of this nation that do not fit his political narrative. Now, he has said his administration will not deport certain illegal immigrants. Certainly, there would be a firestorm raised by those on the left were a president refusing to enforce certain gun laws or certain anti-discrimination laws.
*I live in a nation that is divided. The reaction to the immoral and illegal acts of politicians and celebrities is not proportional to the degree of the bad act, but whether that person has a D or an R beside their name. President George W. Bush water-boards a few people and liberals demonize him while conservatives praise him. President Obama kills people, including American citizens, with unmanned drones in foreign country who he decides no longer deserve to live which is hailed by liberals and deride by conservatives when it is politically expedient.
*I live in a world where a man that believes he is Napoleon is locked away and medicated into a stupor, but a man that believes he is a woman is celebrated and given special treatment
*I live in a nation that spends billions a year on research to cure an illness (AIDS) that could be all but eradicated in a generation by the simple exercise of individual chastity.
*I live in a nation where individual freedom no longer means a lack of governmental imposition on the lives of citizens, but now is the freedom to do what you want, as long as it in line with those in power.
*I live in a world where who you sleep with is more important than any other individual trait.
I surely do not know how atheists get out of bed each day. I cannot imagine how I would be able to live if I thought there was nothing more, nothing worth striving for, nothing worth believing in.
"If you want to be happy, really really happy, use your talents to serve others." - Eduardo Verastegui
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Lets try again
I have been posting on this space for 34 months. First it was a politically themed blog, which caused blood pressure issues. Just two (2) months into that concept I was moved to make it about being Catholic, about my journey to discovering Catholicism as an adult. It has been an amazing and wonderful journey -- as I told a Protestant acquaintance a few weeks ago, the Catholic Church I knew as a child is nothing like the one I am discovering as an adult. Sadly I have not found the inspiration or opportunity to share that journey here.
There were problems with my concept from the beginning. I hope to overcome those by being more myself on here and by being more vulnerable on these pages. Despite the fact that I believe that the Holy Spirit called me to blog, I twisted that inspiration by thinking I had to be something I simply am not. I don't know if it is sad or exceptional that I am still having a-ha moments about who I am and what I need to be at 40. I don't know, maybe it is routine, but I tend to think there is no middle ground here, I am either an exceptionally blessed person by continuing to have these self realizations into middle-age or I it is a pitiful thing that I didn't "grow up" earlier in life. I have no idea which, I can only try to deal with it.
So, moving forward I am not going to advertise about this blog. If people find it, they find it. If no one finds it, it will be the digital rantings of what I assume will become a mad man one day. I don't know what the topics will be. I don't know if they will be long or short -- I used to have this idea that a post had to be long, I am getting past that. There may be five (5) one day and then four (4) days without one. Posts may have a theme or they may be ramblings. I will take the time I have to post what it on my mind. If you stumble across it, I hope you find it helpful. But since I am paying for the www.growingcatholic.com name, I am going to put something on here. Something that I hope will help me grow as a Catholic and will help someone else grow as a Catholic.
"If you want to be happy, really really happy, use your talents to serve others." - Eduardo Verastegui
There were problems with my concept from the beginning. I hope to overcome those by being more myself on here and by being more vulnerable on these pages. Despite the fact that I believe that the Holy Spirit called me to blog, I twisted that inspiration by thinking I had to be something I simply am not. I don't know if it is sad or exceptional that I am still having a-ha moments about who I am and what I need to be at 40. I don't know, maybe it is routine, but I tend to think there is no middle ground here, I am either an exceptionally blessed person by continuing to have these self realizations into middle-age or I it is a pitiful thing that I didn't "grow up" earlier in life. I have no idea which, I can only try to deal with it.
So, moving forward I am not going to advertise about this blog. If people find it, they find it. If no one finds it, it will be the digital rantings of what I assume will become a mad man one day. I don't know what the topics will be. I don't know if they will be long or short -- I used to have this idea that a post had to be long, I am getting past that. There may be five (5) one day and then four (4) days without one. Posts may have a theme or they may be ramblings. I will take the time I have to post what it on my mind. If you stumble across it, I hope you find it helpful. But since I am paying for the www.growingcatholic.com name, I am going to put something on here. Something that I hope will help me grow as a Catholic and will help someone else grow as a Catholic.
"If you want to be happy, really really happy, use your talents to serve others." - Eduardo Verastegui
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