random life stuff

Its 4:00 a.m. and I have yet to sleep.  For some reason the Gout in my right foot has been inflamed tonight and I cannot sleep from the pain.   Not only that, but starting tomorrow I have to go to Little Rock for a 3-day training that will take me away from my home and my wife.  Being away from her is always difficult, but to make things even more stressful this time is the fact that electric wheel chair is on the blink and will, at times, leave her stranded in the middle of the house and she is not able to move at all. 

If that wasn't enough, I fear that I will have to have a little "sit down" session with my boss over some things that have happened in the last few weeks at work.  It wouldn't be nearly as stressful if I had any confidence that she would listen and be open to what I had to say about it.  I feel confident that I could make her understand my reasoning for doing what I did, if she would be open to what I had to say.  However, I have no reason to believe, given how she has reacted to the situation thus far, that her mind is in any way open.  It will be more preaching and talking down to me, like I am some idiot.  I pray daily for the grace to handle this situation.  I have a long smart-ass streak in me, and will I really need God's Grace to keep that in check.

As much as I love certain individual people and I Love all people, I really have a hard time liking people in large groups.  Going to this training is going to be not fun in that I have to sit and listen to boring people talk about a horrible subject matter in a boring way. 

Please pray for me over the next few days as I struggle to find God's Will during this time. 

"If you want to be happy, really really happy, use your talents to serve others." - Eduardo Verastegui

My Mother Mary Hail

These last few weeks have been very difficult for me at work.  I talked a little bit about it in my last post.  I didn't go into all the details and I won't bore you with them now.  I will say that for most of the three years I have been practicing in the area of child welfare I have loved my job.  At times this practice made me in awe of how someone as simple and sinful as me could make such a profound and positive impact in someone's life with God's Grace.  It has also broken me down with disbelief and disgust at what some people do to themselves and their families.  However, in the last few weeks I had grown to really not like it much.  This was the same feeling that I had in my private practice prior to moving to south Arkansas and taking on this calling.  That had more to do with what as going on in my private life; this is more to do with what was going on at work.  In fact, I was at the point where I was dreading going into work each day.  I was dreading the very thing that I was sure God was calling me to do.  Few times in my life had I felt that helpless.  That was, until last night.

I find sitting outside in the quiet and stillness of the night to be very relaxing.  Of course, in Arkansas there are only a few weeks in the Spring and a few in the Fall that the temperatures are not unbearably cold or hot.  Luckily for me, this is the time of year when the weather is amazing and sitting outside enjoying nature is the most enjoyable.  So, last night I decided to sit outside, smoke my pipe and do some reading in hopes that it would help me forget my worries.  At the last minute I decided to take my prayer book and say the Rosary.  I used to say the Rosary all the time; I don't any more.  I read The Secrets of the Rosary a few months back and it didn't get me as excited about saying the Rosary as I had hoped it would.  However, last night, something was calling me to my Rosary.


Like most Catholics, I guess, I have a favorite Rosary.  My Rosary is one that I got at Confirmation as a gift from the man who taught the confirmation class (all 3 or 4 of us).  We didn't really like the guy at the time, thought he was something of a bore and a rube.  But, the older I got the more I grew to appreciate the man he was.  Now, it is the only Rosary I use.  So, I got out my prayer book and started in.  Prayed the Creed, the first Our Father, the three Hail Mary's, the Glory Be and read the passage for the first Joyful Mystery, the Annunciation.  I never got to the second Joyful Mystery.  I never finished that Rosary.

As I said the Hail Mary's and meditated on that particular Mystery, I couldn't help but think of me and my job situation.  Luke 1:38 says, "Mary said, 'Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord.  May it be done to me according to your word.'"  My thoughts wondered to how terrified Mary must have been.  I'm far from a Biblical scholar, but she had to be in her teens when the angel Gabriel appeared to her.  The Gospel of Luke reflects that she was afraid and unsure of how such a thing could be.  Then, instantly she gave her whole life to God.  She gave up her hopes and dreams so that God's Will would be done in her life.  One can only imagine if she truly understood what she was taking on.

I began to ponder the strength and faith that must have taken.  I began to wonder why I couldn't muster even a sliver of such faith in my own life.  I reflected on all God's blessing in my life: a great job, a beautiful, loving wife and other blessings too numerous to mention.  Yet, despite all of these blessings of which I am certainly undeserving, all I could do was obsess over a few bad weeks at work.  All I could do was be fearful over my own shortcomings.  I begin to realize that such fear and negative obsession was not only counterproductive to my job performance and my health; it was having a huge impact on my spiritual well being.  Not only was I was finding it difficult to forgive, I was slipping in my faith that God would provide.  In an instant I realized that this would not do, that this could not continue.  It was in that Rosary that I was able to put aside my petty differences and to lose my fear.  In that Rosary I found the strength and faith to say "Your Will be done" and live the life He would have me live.

Thank you for taking the time to read my ramblings.  I pray that God will bless you.  In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.
"If you want to be happy, really really happy, use your talents to serve others." - Eduardo Verastegui

A long time coming

It has been a really long time since my last post.  There are several things I want to talk about.  First, it's Friday (throw your neighborhood in the air) and I am feeling as relieved as I have in a long long time.  These last few weeks have been stressful.  This past week I have been stressful to the point of almost being physically ill. I haven't had an assistant and carrying a full case load for two months now.  I was scheduled to be in court four days this week and on Monday.  I thought I was never going to make it. Luckily for me, not so much for her, but the judge in my court on Thursday got sick and I got to spend the whole day in the office.  That was just what the doctor ordered.  I just hope that the judge is feeling better.  My new assistant is starting Monday.  I doubt she will be as good as my last assistant, she does have tough act to follow.  I am just glad that I have someone competent to help.

I posted "Some days this job just isn't worth it" on Twitter the other day.  This was one of the worst parts of my week.  As soon as I posted it I began to think about what I had said.  I work in the field of child welfare through the grace of God -- it certainly wasn't something I looked at from the outside and thought would be something I would like.  If I were making decisions on what kind of law to practice and where to practice based upon my will, I certainly would not have chosen juvenile law in South Arkansas.  But I made a decision over three years ago to give up that part of my life to God and follow His Will.  His Will has me a lot broker.  His Will exposes me to the worst possible things people could do to their kids.  His Will has me often time depressed over their sufferings. 

However, His Will fills my heart with joy.  His Will gives me the Grace to endure.  His Will is that I take up this cross and use it for His glory.  His Will is that I grow closer to him by praying for their sufferings.  His Will is that I be still.  His Will is what makes my job amazingly enjoyable (most days anyway).

I use the talents God has blessed me with to help the abused children of Arkansas out of Love. That statement was made out of selfishness.  Granted, these past few weeks have been very difficult.  But for me to say that God's Will for my life is not worth it is as blasphemous as any statement I could make.  I am well overdue for confession, that statement makes going this weekend even more of a must. 

I friend of mine from high school posted something on Facebook last night struck me and I have been thinking about all day.  She posted that her uncle said something that she has been meditating on, "All that God blesses you with is not for you."  That honestly stopped me in my tracks.  Suddenly all my problems seemed so small.  I instantly regained focus on living my life according to His Will.  All the selfishness and self-pity in my heart was swept away and ten-fold of joy took its place.  In an instant I re-identified with the fact that my life is not about me, but about living a life that glorifies God.


Thank you for taking the time to read my ramblings.  I pray that God will bless you.  In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.


"If you want to be happy, really really happy, use your talents to serve others." - Eduardo Verastegui

Growing, Understanding and Defending -- oh what a night!

I had an incredible night last night as it relates to growing in my understanding and ability to defend and explain the Catholic faith.  First, I almost completed Upon This Rock by Stephen K. Ray.  I have entered this period of my life of exploring the Catholic faith I was raised in using my attorney hat.  I have never given up the belief that there is but one God with three Persons and everything else in the creeds, but I have kept in mind the question, why should I believe Rome over any other professor of faith?

I am still in the embryonic stages of my studies, but I am finding it hard to dispute C.K. Chesterton's statement, ". . . is that there are ten thousand reasons (why I am Catholic) all amounting to one reason: that Catholicism is true."  Upon This Rock exemplifies that testimonial.  It is multifaceted and detailed, to say the least.  About a third of the way through it I had to stop reading all of the footnotes and just read the text because I was getting so bogged down by the litany of supporting materials that I lost sigh of the author's work. 

I have also read the Gospels of Matthew and Mark.  My approach to reading the Bible has been that I must first read what Jesus said and taught before I can read what his followers said and taught.  The first time through I have simply read the words without reading the footnotes or breaking it down -- further studies I intend to do at a later time. Through those readings, the other readings I have done, prayer, contemplation, meditation and Grace I have come to grasp a fairly elemental understanding of the faith, or so I thought. 

My wife and have spent the last week doing some things to help out friends in need.  I am exceptionally proud of my wife because of how I have seen her grow in her Love for others (even if she doesn't recognize it as such).  That continued last night when a friend of hers sent her a message on Facebook about her husband leaving her -- her husband is one of sadly growing number of persons who call themselves Catholic but don't attend Mass and don't follow the teachings of the Church  . . . a number which I could have been counted among no less than 18 months ago.  My wife got on the phone with her and somehow the conversation got to religion.  (I say somehow, but any conversation with my "agnostic" wife that is longer than 20-minutes always seems to go there.) 

Being that the entire conversation was on speaker phone, my wife dragged me into it when it got to religion.  My wife and her friend both had lots of questions about Christianity and Catholicism and I was able to answer almost every one of them in a clear concise manner.  I am excited about continued growth in knowledge and understanding of MY Catholic faith. 

"If you want to be happy, really really happy, use your talents to serve others." - Eduardo Verastegui

Tiny voice, big lessons

I have had Dish Network for coming up on two years now.  I signed up for thinking that I was going to be getting this very nice, very expensive 63-inch LCD TV as a gift from my wife's uncle.  After the dish was installed and I was on the hook for a two year contract we discovered the TV was damaged in transit (from Dallas) and the repair would cost almost as much as a new TV. So, I got hooked into the satellite service because of my own impatience.

This impatience reared its ugly head all too often when dealing with this company.  Generally speaking, I consider my self a very patient person, sometimes even to a fault.  However, when dealing with Dish Network and AT&T I cannot help myself.  I think part of it is that they always try to double talk you and make you feel stupid.  Of course I know that is no excuse, but it is the only reason I can come up with for my lack of patience when enduring these two companies.

My trouble with Dish began almost immediately.  The guy who sold me the service of the phone said my monthly cost would be one price, and my first few bills were higher -- plus I was promised two (2) DVR's and only got one (1).  After spending, literally, an hour and a half on the phone with countless people I got them to give me a credit for a year that would lower my price to the amount I was promised.  When that year passed, my bill was not the same for any two months for more than six (6) consecutive months -- I don't know how that happens and neither do they. I have had to constantly battle these people for almost two years; luckily my battle it is almost over. 

Anyway, this last episode was last weekend over HD reception. It has been going in and out for the last month.  It got much worse over the week before week.  I was dealing with some customer service rep a week or so ago and used a "robotic" voice to talk to them.  My wife thought it was hilarious (and creepy at the same time), so I called about the HD last Friday I used a "country" voice.  I really wonder what the person on the other end of the conversation thought when I went into great detail about the show we were watching and why I could not turn off the receiver at that time.  I was told to unplug the receiver when I could and call back if it didn't work.

That didn't work and I had to call back on Saturday.  My wife said I had to come up with a new voice for this conversation.  Given my complete lack of any speck of talent in impersonations I would going to struggle with this.  The only thing I could come up with was a soft spoken voice, something akin to Michael Jackson.  Anyway, during my hour long conversation with 3-4 different people using that voice I was able to get what I wanted accomplished (have the problem fixed at no cost and to waive my HD charges until its fixed) without getting angry, cussing them out or having my blood pressure shoot through the roof.  I certainly gave one lady fits because I wouldn't say no, but I had as enjoyable of a time as can be had such a situation.

How this relates to Catholicism or my spiritual journey?  I don't know exactly.  I do know that anger is one of the seven (7) deadly sins, and I can use less of that in my life.  I grew in meekness as a person by using a meek voice.  I grew in recognition of how to subtly express frustration.  I learned to be persistent in the face of rejection.  I learned to stay within myself while being pushed back on by another. 

I wonder if I should not expect to have learned these lessons by now, being in my late 30's.  I pose such questions to myself daily and haven't found an answer.  I hope to never lose the ability to pose these questions . . . because they always eventually lead to growing personally and spiritually.


"If you want to be happy, really really happy, use your talents to serve others." - Eduardo Verastegui

Mouthy mouth and virtuous virtues

Seems like only about 30% of the blogs I start get posted because I actually get them finished. Lets hope this one is one of that minority.

The past few days have been such that really make me ponder if it might actually be better to walk away and start a new life that is as selfish as humanly possible.  I know that such thoughts are sinful and that I my the proper response should be too pray more and worry less. Like many, I struggle with being grace-filled when times get tough.  As a kid I had a smart mouth and I usually let it go whenever challenged. 

Real or adult world relationships, both personal and professional, require me to put a governor, if you will, on my mouth  What I am finding more and more is that my personal relationship with Jesus demands that I put a check not only on my mouth, but on my thoughts.  As I am growing in my faith, I am growing in the appreciation that to Love my neighbor requires me to dial back my pride and my anger and grow in humility and meekness. 

This of course, the concern is that I become too humble and too meek.  I realize that from a purely religious point of view that is probably not possible.  However, there is a point that humility and meekness stop being virtues and start becoming a negative impact on the life God intends. There comes a time when you can no longer allow people to walk over you or threaten your well being and must stand up.  It is striking that balance that I struggle with most.  The desire for preservation of my job, marriage and bonds of friendship and family pretty well prevent me from going to far on the mouthy side.  It is only through prayer and reflection and meditation that I can find the balance and peace with that balance that God wishes me to have.

If you too struggle with this balance, please share ways that you have learned to better find it. May God bless you in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Ghost.  Amen


"If you want to be happy, really really happy, use your talents to serve others." - Eduardo Verastegui

Electricity and God

My wife is a self-described agnostic.  She would probably be more accurately described at a agnostic atheist, or one who does not have belief in the existence of any deity, and agnostic because they do not claim to know that a deity does not exist.  In fact, I have heard her say almost that exact thing several times.

I believe that one of the callings of my life is to convert her to Catholicism.  One way I try to do this is by reasoning with her.  While sitting outside this evening enjoying the lovely night air, listening to the Newsboys and reading The United States Catholic Catechism for Adults the thought popped into my head that "God is like electricity, absolute proof of either requires death."  If she applied the level of proof my wife requires for belief in God to electricity only by feeling the electrical current coursing through her body, which would result in her death, could she truly believe that electricity exists.  However, as with everyone in modern societies, she believes  that electricity exists because she flips a switch and a light comes on (assuming the bill has been paid).  Were she to apply that level of proof to God, she would need no more than pick up the bible and read to realize the effects of God made man.  I hope and pray she opens her heart to the love of God without the death requirement. 

"If you want to be happy, really really happy, use your talents to serve others." - Eduardo Verastegui

Delays and friends in need

I have gone and done it again.  I fall into this mental trap where I don't feel like I have anything insightful or profound to say so I simply don't post anything for a long time.  I have actually worked on three different posts since my last installment, but they are very long and will take some time.  Every time I get like this I have to remind myself that if I am leaving the content of this site up to what comes from me, then I am in BIG trouble. Eventually, like now, I finally get it through my head (again) that if this site is going to have appeal to anyone, except maybe me, what I post on here will have to come from the Holy Spirit.  Only words inspired by the Holy Spirit will make the kind of difference in people's lives I want to make.  So, here goes . . .

I got a email type message (don't know exactly what to call them) on Facebook from a law school friend of mine about some trouble in his life.  This friend has a history of drugs and gambling.  In law school he would often times call to "borrow" money to pay off a bookie.  Every time, true to his word, he would pay me right back within a very short time.  He seemed to be a fairly good gambler, but gambling is one of those things that tends to catch up to you no matter how well you do it.  Anyway, I get a message over the weekend saying he is stranded in Texas, estranged from his family, without a car and without money. 

I must really be growing as a Catholic because I was able to stop my initial reaction before it came all the way out.  My initial reaction a few years back would have been something very un-Catholic. But after giving some thought and reflection to this, I realized that it was OK to wonder what role his two bad habits played in his condition without being judgmental towards him.  After all, he has a law degree and even if he hasn't passed the bar having a doctoral degree opens lots of doors.  Last night I prayed over what I can do to help.  I realized that I could send a small amount of money, but that really isn't going to help his situation.  At the same time, I have family that could use what little money I could afford to send almost as much as this friend.

So now I am looking for ways to help him.  I feel horrible that I cannot do more, but I have to find whatever I can to help him.  I am hoping to find a way to help him with his long term issues, because I am powerless to help him with his immediate problems.  If you know of help in the Houston area please let me know so I can pass it along to him.  If you have any ideas of any kind please feel free to share.

Amazing life

The last few days have been very wonderful.  Saturday I had a great confession and the Royals made some nice trades at the MLB trading deadline.  Sunday I went to Mass and shared the Eucharist with my Catholic family.  Then, the coup de grâce on Monday.  I am immense blessed to have a job (I feel like this is in almost all of my posts, if it is, it is only because it is true) that pays me a decent wage and that I get to help those in need.  At the same time, dealing with the lives of abused/neglected children and adults who are no longer physically or mentally able to care for themselves causes me a great deal of depression on many days.  However, Monday was that rare day that made everything, every sacrifice, all the bureaucratic BS that comes with working for a state agency, all the long drives, the long hours, all the struggles, all the lives ruined, all the childhoods destroyed, everything, worth while.

My docket days (days I am in court) are almost always full days.  I normally am either on the road or in court by 8:30 and get home at 6:00 at the earliest.  Most of my counties do not come with a lunch break, or break of any kind, and I am involved in every case.  Monday was one of two monthly docket days I have in my local county.  After lunch the first case we took up was a case involving an elderly lady in her 90's who was taken into protective custody because some questions about her ability to care for herself.  This is an amazing woman.  I can only hope to be half as spry as this lady at 60-something much less 90-something.  She was sharp, knew what was going on and kept an immaculate home.  She may need some help around her house, but she certainly gave no appearance in court that she was ready for a nursing home.  Her problem? Her children wanted to put her in a nursing home and take what little money and property she had.

I called the son to the witness stand first and started to question him about what he had been doing to and with his mother's property while she was away getting evaluated.  He started lying almost immediately and didn't stop until he got off of the stand (to his credit I think he was truthful about his name and where he lived).  It was a gross display vile human behavior.  This man actually had a power of attorney and was on her bank accounts.  He could have taken her money and property at any time, but he waits until she is in protective custody and at the hospital being examined -- a situation he most likely had some hand in bringing about.  The most telling part was that his wife was in the courtroom when he testified but couldn't even tell the same lies he had just told.  The son said he took a 22-inch flat screen TV from his mother's home because, according to him, his mother had said it wasn't working and had asked him weeks before to take it to his house and take a look at it (and he just happens to do it while she wasn't there).  His wife gets on the stand a few minutes later and said her husband took the TV "for safe keeping."  Mind you, this lady lives in a retirement community of around three thousand people.

At the end of the hearing, the judge ordered the son to return all property and money he had take by the end of the week.  Needless to say, there were a lot of emotions in the courtroom, happiness on the part of myself, the lady, her attorney and my clients.  Sadness on the part of this lady's son and daughter-in-law.  I would like to think they also were embarrassed, but given that they have said they feel they were persecuted, I don't know how likely that is.

I know the Holy Spirit worked through me that day to rectify the situation for this lady, at least to what we know about.  I hope and pray this family will be healed and this wonderful lady's children will realize the blessing they have in her and she will be able to forgive them.

Certainly I cannot talk about how great my life is without mentioning my wonderful wife.  She is the most important person in my life and I would be much less of a person without her.  I am doing this job and working where I work because of her and I thank God for her being a part of my life every day.  I struggle with focusing on my blessings rather than what I don't have.  I know the events of the last few days have really opened my eyes and heart to exactly how blessed I am.  May God bless you in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

Mr. Snuffleupagus and God

I am supposed to be getting ready for a 1/2 day hearing tomorrow, but am instead reading links I got from twitter posts over the last two days.  I was reading an article titled The Moral Dilemma of Agnosticism and was struck not only by the article and how it relates to my self-described agnostic wife, but by a comment to this article by someone going by the initials "smh" (posted on July 31, 2010 at 7:26 PM).  "smh" said:

I think that, while thoughtful agnostics hold their position in good faith (pun intended), the key weakness in their argument is the mistaken conflation of two different senses of "know" -- the factual and the personal. They are hardly entirely to blame for that, as far too many Christian apologetics make the same mistake, and treat God as an abstract logical point to be proved, or an empirical datum to be verified by observation and experimentation, rather than a person who encounters and is encountered.

This got me thinking about how agnostics in general, and my wife in particular, really see God as Mr. Snuffleupagus from Sesame Street.  As a kid¹, Mr. Snuffleupagus was a character on Sesame Street that Big Bird saw and no one else ever did.²  While I guess you can say I am fairly intelligent, I certainly am not on the level of deep thinkers as "smh" and the writer of the article.  However, I am constantly debating, for a lack of a better word, my wife about proof of the exisentence of God.  As with any good agnostic, she claims to want "proof" of the existence of God before she says she can believe.  Of course, much to my dismay, no matter what I try, I cannot "prove" God's existence in a physical sense.

In my discussions with my wife I have hit on the same concept as this article and "smh."  I ask her how she can believe that the Civil War happened because she can no more prove that it happened than I can prove God exists.  I can show you artifacts and writings of people who were around in the time of Jesus and His teachings, but I cannot make Jesus appear to her face.  In the same way she can only see artifacts and writings from the Civil War era, but cannot experience a battle for herself.  I have also tried to relate her lack of belief in other ways.  For instance, she hasn't the slightest clue as to how to make electricity or how it works (nor do I for that matter), yet she "believes" that every time she flips a light switch the light will turn on.

Those are my simpleton attempts at relaying, "the mistaken conflation of two different senses of "know" -- the factual and the personal."³  I will never be able to factually prove God exists, even to myself.  I can only know He exists because I have a personal relationship with Him.  It is through this personal relationship that I know He exists.  Oddly, my wife and I met on the internet and there was a period of time where she didn't know that I existed, at least with regard to what my physical characteristics were.  Yet she believed, I guess, what I told her and the images I sent her of me. 

Back to Mr. Snuffleupagus.  Only Big Bird "believed" he existed because only Big Bird had a personal relationship with him (her/it?).  The other residents of Sesame Street didn't have this relationship with Mr. Snuffleupagus and therefore didn't believe he (she/it?) existed.  It wasn't until Mr. Snuffleupagus appeared to other residents that they finally realized that Big Bird wasn't crazy this whole time. 

Too bad Big Bird didn't have the Communion of Saints and the Holy Spirit to aid him (her/it?) in convincing everyone of Mr. Sunffleupagus' existence.  I will simply have to pray that the Saints and Holy Spirit will guide me in my attempts to reach my wife and that God will open her heart to Him.  May God bless you in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

-----------------------------------------

¹I remember listening to the Catholics Next Door a while back and they were talking about re-runs of Sesame Street from the 70's being put out on DVD.  "Sesame Street: Old School" DVD's have a disclaimer that says "Welcome to 'Sesame Street Nostalgia.' I am Bob, your host, and I want you to know that these early 'Sesame Street' episodes are intended for grown-ups and may not meet the needs of today's pre-school child."

²I wonder if that fact in and of itself was intended as a comment on religion by the creators of Sesame Street??
³I am truly in awe of people who can think at such a high level to be able to say things like that.

Eighteenth Sunday in Ordinary Time

"Think of what is above, not of what is on earth."  Colossians 3:2.  In reading the Scripture passages for today this one passage struck me as particularly applicable to my struggles.  As an attorney for the state I make a good living, but of course nowhere near the income I could make in private practice.  But I find myself often pondering what I don't have.  I find myself not necessarily wishing for for more wealth but rather daydreaming about what I could do if I more income or if this debt or that debt was paid off.

These desires are not necessarily always selfish - although they often are.  I often think of how I could better use this "extra" or "freed-up" money to benefit needy causes or to make life better for my wife.  But even that is thinking of "what is on earth."  My worrying and wishing is no different than what is describe in the first reading.  By wishing my money can go to other things or that my work produced more money is "vanity of vanities," i.e., supremely futile. Ecclesiastes 1:2.  As Ecclesiastes goes on to say (2:23), the time I spend on these worries is vanity.

My thoughts should be focused on the gifts, blessings and graces I have been given - certainly I am blessed beyond my what I could ever hope to deserve.  After all, in a time of 10% unemployment, that I have been blessed with a job, much less a very good job, and a home that is more than suitable for myself and my wife is more than I could ever hope to deserve.  But maybe it is a coping mechanism.  I do have a very difficult and stressful job. (I appreciate that many have stress in their job but working with abused children and adults has its own brand of stresses.)  Maybe allowing my thoughts to go astray has more to do with coping with stress than actual covetousness.  But even if that were true, would it not be better to use prayers of praise and thanksgiving to God for the many other blessings in my life?  At least then, wouldn't I have some labor to show from my coping and rather than being vanity of vanities.  Such prayer and reflection would open my mind and heart to a greater relationship with God.

I guess it is true that prayer is always the answer.  The sooner I get this through my head and know that turning to God with all things, good and bad, is what He expects and wants, the sooner I will be able to store up the treasures of what matters to God. (Luke 12:21).  Amen.  May God bless you in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost.

Tough week

After a long and hectic week I am finally able to take (or finally making the time) to post again.  Seems that my state of mind is so much different than it was one week ago.  Last week I was typing myself into getting excited about going to confession, only to go out of town shopping and not make it back in time to go.  I went with my wife to go shopping in a town about 40-minutes away and we were having such a good time I decided that it would be better for me to spend time with her and go to confession this week.  That was only the start of my issues.

You would think that with a Mass time of 10:00 it would be no problem for me to get up in time to make it.  On Saturday mornings (and most mornings for that matter, but especially on the one morning I can sleep in) I am am normally awake by 7:00-7:30 and cannot go back to sleep.  On Sunday mornings, even though I set an alarm for 8:00 I my eyes always seem to want to stay asleep until around 9:30.  Magically, right around 9:30 I wake up and know that, unless I showered the night before, I will never make it to Mass on time.  This happens far too frequently.

Even though an argument could be made that when I oversleep I don't miss Mass with "deliberate consent," as an attorney I have to be very cautious of doing so and rationalizing away my indiscretions. I would dismiss such a notion because how hard is it to wake up by 9:00 or at least shower and shave the night before so I can quickly get ready on Sunday morning? 

As the week went on my struggles with developing a consistent prayer life kept a downward trajectory.  I have discovered that verbal prayer is not something I will easily develop.  I think I do a pretty good job of saying little prayers throughout the day.  I may ask God's blessing on someone in need, say a small prayer of thanks or even pray for Grace.  Sometimes I will ask for the Holy Spirit to guide me in something I am about to do.  It is the daily and/or nightly prayer that I struggle.  I had created a morning prayer for myself a few weeks ago that started with a Hail Mary and Our Father then went something like this:

Thank you Lord for all of the blessings you bestow upon me.  Thank most for the ability to call You, the Creator of all things, Father.  I am a sinner and unworthy of any of the Graces you give.  I pray that the Holy Spirit will bestow upon me the stillness of heart to hear Your voice, the wisdom to understand Your calling and the strength to do Your will.  I pray that I may keep my eyes fixed upon my Savior on the cross and live this day by His example. Amen.

Even this week I have lost sight up saying that simple morning prayer.  I have recently finished reading The Secret of The Rosary by Saint Louis De Montfort and intend to begin my attempt at joining the Confraternity of the Rosary tomorrow, August 1, 2010.  With my past struggles with saying a simple daily prayer, much less my struggles with a novena, I don't hold out a lot of hope for reaching my goal of saying a Rosary every day for a year, but I guess it is better that I try and fail than not try at all. 

Well, it is almost that time, almost time to get ready for confession and all the graces that flow from it.  I have so much going on in my head that it should be good and all over the place.  I guess I need to find a few pre-confession prayers and spend some time in reflection on my sins.  May God bless you in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. 

Reflection and confession

While working on my autoblogography, it is a work-in-progress, I was reflecting on how I haven't posted on here as much as I would like.  This stems from many things (that is for another post in and of itself) but is something I plan on being more vigilant about in the future.  Anyway, that led me to going back and reading my posts prior to deciding to focus this blog on being Catholic and growing as a Catholic.  I am very thankful for the inspiration from the Holy Spirit to have made the change.  Politics is certainly not my cup of tea(-party). :) 

I am excited and hesitant about going to confession today.  About a month ago I was listening to St. Francis de Sales book "An Introduction to the Devout Life" on my iPod and was struck with his discussion of a general confession (I am going to dedicate an entire post on this in the (hopefully) near future).  Actually, I was initially struck by his discussion of the affections of sin, but again, that is off topic.  Anyway, as I prepared for my general confession I got wrapped up in the great deal of my many sins and and the line blurred between what I had done in the past and what I had done since my last confession. This led to a great amount of fear about my need to go to "regular" confession after over-sleeping Mass one Sunday (and other sins that we needn't get into here). 

Basically, during my reflection for my general confession I came to realize a whole lot of sins that I had never contemplated as being sins before were actually sins and I had never confessed them.  Thus, I came to fear that I couldn't give a proper "regular" confession without including all of those past sins I had never contemplated, and I was nowhere near ready for my general confession.  So, I went to talk to my priest this week about this problem.  As a great man of God, he gave me sage advice and instructed me that I could confess the sins since my last confession and deal  with those sins from the past in the general confession.  As he correctly pointed out, those past sins weren't mortal sins, since I didn't know they were sins at the time. "Mortal sin is sin whose object is grave matter and which is also committed with full knowledge and deliberate consent." (Catechism Paragraph 1857.)

I am excited about receiving the Grace of God through the Sacrament of Confession.  I greatly anticipate the burdens of my sin being lifted from my soul and being brought closer to union with God.  After all that, I don't know why I would be hesitant.  After all, the knowledge that I will be forgiven of my sins and will, barring any mortal since in the mean time, get to reunite my soul with the physical presence of Christ in the Eucharist can only be a cause for joy and should wipe away all fear.  Amen.

Improvements and changes

Big things are happening here at Growing Catholic.  Tonight I have registered the domain name www.growingcatholic.com.  I decided to do this today on my 2-hour ride to court this morning after listening to The Catholics Next Door and hearing Greg interview Gary E. Zimak with Following the Truth Ministries.  He seemed to be 6-8 years ago where I am today.  I feel the Holy Spirit was really talking to me during Greg's broadcast about how different people are using "new media" (I guess the internet is still considered "new media"?) to evangalize. 

I got to thinking about why I started this blog and why I changed the focus from what was initially going to be about politics AND religion to my journey back to the Catholic Church.  Mostly, listening reaffirmed that this blog isn't about me, it is about the Holy Spirit using me and whatever talents I may have been given to reach someone or someones (don't think that is a word, but whatever) who needs it.  Just like Greg's interview of Gary today reached me in a way I doubt either of them knew, I hope maybe, if it be God's Will that I can reach one or more persons who are also attempting to grow in their Catholic faith. 

I haven't committed myself to this blog like I should in the past.  But today I hope to be able to start a new commitment to blogging regularly.  I go through time where I cannot bring myself to write anything, mostly out of the sin of pride I have found.  Then there are times that I have multiple things I want to write about and not enough time to write about them all.  I had a striking dream last night about reoccurring sin that I want to delve into.  I still cannot get my mind around the second reading from last Sunday and I want to think through it out-loud here.  I want to write a long detailed spiritually-biographical post that I can link to under the "About Me" section, so hopefully as new people come to my blog they will know where I started and can read the posts and see where I have come in my faith.  I have started reading Upon This Rock by Steven Ray and I am very excited about what I have learned.  I have undertaken trying to do a general confession and hope that sharing my struggles with that will ease them and allow me to progress.  I am overwhelmed about how little I know and understand about my Catholic faith and how much I have to learn. 

If you have stumbled upon my little corner of the Catholic blogosphere, I hope you enjoy reading my humble works, can commiserate with me as sinner and maybe, with the Grace of God you will learn something or grow with me in our Catholic faith.

Backyards

There is something special, something mystical, almost holy about that place we go where the cares of the world pass away and we commune with ourselves and with God.  For me, that place is the backyard.  Before the summer really set in, I would go and sit in the backyard and read, contemplate, pray, meditate or anything else that would ease my mind and lift my spirit.  I try to concentrate on God, to be still and to listen to Him.  Those times bring refreshment and renewal.

Today, I got up early to mow my yard for the first time in at least 3-weeks.  Between the rain and my allergies acting up worse than normal this summer I have not been able to get out to it. I was able to get that done right before it appeared the rain was about to set in.  Luckily, the day was overcast, without rain, and cool, remarkably so for July.  The high today didn't reach 80 and with the clouds and breeze, it felt like I should have been sitting at a football game.  I took full advantage of this weather and sat and read a book on the Rosary.  The weather was so nice, I closed my book and took a little nap. 

We moved into this house almost three years ago, and I don't know how I survived before I had this place to go.  I guess it is no coincidence that my re-connecting with my Catholic faith coincided with my connecting to my enjoyment of the backyard.  It is being able to go and find this place of stillness and silence (or at least of nothing but the white noise of God's creation) that I am able to connect with my Creator and grow in my personal relationship with Him.

Just one of many blessings bestowed upon me, of which I am undeserving.  

Love and weakness

"I never claimed to be a hero, and I never said I was a saint."  Lyrics from Temptation by one of my favorite artists of all time, Billy Joel.  That line pretty much describes how I feel right now.

After a long hard week in which I had at least a half-day of court every day, I am very thankful for the weekend.  Working in the field of child protective services and adult protective services takes an extra toll, more than just working long hours having to stay mentally alert with few breaks.  Not that I am complaining, I absolutely feel very blessed to have the God-given gifts to be an attorney and be able to use those gifts to help those less fortunate.  However, my attitude has really suffered this evening.

I guess I am just trying to say that after such a long hard week I am finding it very difficult to have a good attitude about being a husband and friend.  After spending the last few weeks failing myself in my quest to healthier, I am spending tonight failing the Lord in what he calls me (and all of us) to first, Loving others.  It is beyond my comprehension how I knowingly and all but purposefully fail, yet the Lord still blesses. 

Despite every good intentions and well meaning effort I have given, I cannot Love unceasingly.  Despite prayer and contemplation, I cannot suffer hurt from others and not fail to Love them.  Despite knowing that God has called me to give all that I am, I find myself rationalizing with an eye-for-an-eye mentality.  It is in this failure that I find my deepest despair.  It is this failure that I feel most helpless to overcome. It is this weakness that causes me the most shame and difficulty in seeking the Spirit's help.

Only His Love, Love that defies all human definition, can explain how despite my sin the Lord continues to bless me.  It is in His Love that I can have confidence in forgiveness of my sins.  It is His Love that makes my heart smile and my spirit rise. 

Humility before God

During my prayers tonight my mind drifted off to a time not to long ago when I received a complement about my lawyering ability from an attorney whom I admire greatly.  We had recently had a 3-day trial and a relative passed along some kind things the attorney had said.  I remember being humbled and honored that this attorney, whom in my estimation is the best courtroom tactician I have every seen in person. This got me to thinking about how other people when they win awards or are elected to a position say how humbled and grateful they are.  Whether they believe it or not, I think we can all relate to that feeling. 

Then I got to thinking that if I felt that way about this other attorney, and we all (at least should) feel that way when given an honor or placed in a position of responsibility, how can we not feel at least that when coming to God in prayer.  How do we dare speak when in God's presence?  How can we dare ask for anything?  How can we feel anything other than the utmost reverence and praise that such an awesome God would honor us by allowing us to call him Father.  "Our Father," the words that begin the Lord's Prayer should make our knees tremble and our hearts rejoice each time we say them.

Pentecost

Without a doubt, one of the biggest obstacles, at least in my thinking, is my struggle to form a prayer life.  Granted, this is only something I have really concentrated on in the past few months, but for someone who often have things come fairly easily, it has been very frustrating.  That frustration has boiled over into sin.  So, when I went to confession today, of course that was one of the sins I confessed.  My prayer these past few weeks has been mostly about me, my struggles, my desires and not focused on others as I know it should.  So, I must say it was surprising when my penance included praying and asking God to send the Holy Spirit upon me to strengthen me. 

This makes sense, given that it tomorrow is Pentecost.  Pentecost is of course when the Holy Spirit descended upon the Disciples and gave them the Grace to spread the Gospel throughout the world.  We should all pray that the Holy Spirit consumes our soul and leads to the life God has planned.  Only with the help of the Holy Spirit can we find true happiness and peace. 

Doing things differently

I have been pretty down in the dumps the past week or so.  I have prayed and contemplated the causes of this feeling and have it boiled down to two things:  1) a lack of a prayer life; and 2) unhealthy meal choices.  I also think those two are somewhat interrelated.  I overeat often times out of boredom.  Its really not so much out of boredom as it is out of needing to fill something in me, well, that and food is good.  I made the mistake weekend before last of getting vanilla ice cream and chocolate syrup at the store.  Only my fear of my wife's comments has kept me from eating some on a nightly basis.  Anyway, back to the point, I know in my heart that that hole I am trying to fill with food can only truly be filled by a more complete relationship with God.  And (all together now) the only way to have a more complete relationship with God is through??? Prayer!!

The figuring out the problem was the easy part.  (Honestly, I have known these are the problems for most of my adult life.)  The part that is obviously difficult-to-impossible for me to figure out is how to solve these problems.  As for the eating, I have been doing better the last year or so on portion sizes.  This has helped, but hasn't stopped the snacking between meals.  The snacking that I know will only make me feel worse, but that feels so good for the short period of time the food is in my mouth.  It is in that moment that I need to find a way to find the grace and strength to overcome my mortal weakness.  That is something I hope to find through prayer.

In the past when in a funk like this I would have no problem with running to God, begging for his grace and promising to continue praying after he grants relief.  I think we all know how this story goes, God grants me his grace to overcome my difficulties and I continue with the prayers for a while.  But soon, I allow pride, life and the world to get in the way and the prayer falls to the wayside.  This time has to be different.  This time I have to find a way to make a better path. 

The good news is that I have made a new exercise plan that includes prayer.  I had been trying to run, but my body is telling me that it is just too much to continue at this weight.  I am being careful not to pray for a quick fix and make promises.  I am praying for the wisdom and grace to be able to offer my suffering for God's glory.  In fact, my prayer this time around will be two fold: 1) to be able to find a way to glorify God in everything I do; and 2) as perfectly state by Greg on The Catholics Next Door this morning, to feel God's love comforting me.  Sounds like a good start on a different path.

Decisions, decisions

In contemplating this blog and its role in my life, I am trying to decide whether to spend any money on it, i.e. registering a domain name, etc. and its focus. The title is "A Catholic View," but I have found another blog with this same title. I should have known that someone would have already chosen such an uncreative title. That blog is older and honestly much better. So, I guess I need to change the name. The next question is "what name to change it to?" For that I must look at the description I have for the blog. How I currently describe it, in short, is that it is a blog about me growing up Catholic in protestant Arkansas. I did that in an attempt to sort of separate myself from the thousands of other bloggers out there who are Catholics who blog. Yet, not a single post has been about that subject, and honestly, I don't know how much I have to say on that subject.

The reality is that this blog is not about much more than my current life. I guess that is ok, but I don’t know how that plays into my inspiration for this site. It started as a politically oriented blog, but in growing more in my faith I came to the realization that the Lord was calling me in another direction. Since that time, I cannot decide if this is a tool for growth in my own faith or one used to help others. Honestly, I don’t know that it matters because it has helped me. How it helps others is in God’s hands.

So, now the issue becomes do I change the name and if so, what to? Do I keep the current "theme" in the caption, if so, how much do I need to write about that theme (certainly more than zero as I have done up till now). If I change the "theme," what would the new "theme" be? Do the "theme" and the title have to match? How much input does the availability of a domain name play into the title? All these are questions that must be answered, so how do I do that.

In the process of writing this post I have been inspired to the new name, Growing Catholic. That name is available as a .com domain name and I cannot find a blog by that name already. So, that is it, the official new name of my blog. Now, its lunch time and then off to figure out what to do for the rest of the day.

Feeling Dirty

Unlike Chamillionaire, I am not "ridin' dirty," but I certainly feel dirty tonight; even after having a nice jog and shower.  As an attorney for the state doing juvenile dependency/neglect cases I am greatly blessed to have a job I like that also enables me to respond to God's call in my life.  However, today, for the first time, I don't feel like I did something good.  I had a case where a young man had made accusations of inappropriate touching by his father.  After interviewing the child I firmly believed that he was making up these accusations in an attempt to be able to stay in a home where he could continue a relationship with someone his father didn't approve of.

I put forward the case my client wanted and called the young man to testify. He testified to what he said had happened and the father, without an attorney, didn't cross examine him to punch holes in his testimony.  So, the only witness that the court heard was the young man, and there was nothing done to attempt to challenge his testimony.

The father, who is surely was not a perfect parent, didn't do the things he was accused of doing - at least in my opinion.  However, the father fell into that large crack in American society that he made too much to be afforded a court appointed attorney, but didn't make enough to actually be able to afford to hire one to represent him.  Despite my best efforts to persuade the father to ask for a continuance and hire an attorney, he didn't.  Like so often when people try to navigate the legal system alone, he got run over.  I feel horrible about this and feel a great injustice was done.

As G.K. Chesterton talked about in Heretics, Christians are called on to work for more then justice; we are called on to give charity.  Chesterton defines justice as giving to those what they are entitled to, or deserve.  He defines charity as giving those same things to those who don't deserve them.  I feel a large sense of failure as a Christian tonight because my ethical responsibilities over-rode my moral ones.  Not only was this man run ruff-shot over today, so was my soul.  I know that I can go to God and lay this at his feet and pray that His will be done.  I pray that this child's father knows the same.

The ever continuing brilliance of U2

I have to admit that most of the songs I have heard off of U2's most recent offering No Line On The Horizon (ok, so this really came out over a year ago) doesn't really do anything for me -- I say this as someone who has seen U2 live three times as many times as I have any other artist.  I really found this last album to be a big disappointment.  Then, I watched a re-play of a show they did for the BBC on a building top about the time the album came out and heard Breathe.  I have read where Bono said that is the best song on the album -- I agree, that guitar line grabs you by the spine and won't let you go.  As is often the case with so many U2 songs, Bono seems to hide little uplifting, very spiritual lines in songs. In doing more digging on this song I have discovered several different versions they do in live performances:




I also looked up the lyrics on several "lyric pages" that have the lyrics all wrong.  Anyway, this version has these lines that will give me a great deal to reflect on as I drive across south Arkansas at 7:00 tomorrow morning:


Every day I, die again and again I'm reborn
Every day I, have to find the courage
to walk out into the street with arms out
people we meet are not knocked down  (another version has:  not knowing defeat, neither down or out)
there's nothing you have that I need,
I can breath
Breathe now

I find it so powerful to think about how true that is, how we have to find the courage each day to get up and face a world that grows in hatred for Christians each day.  Each day we have to find the courage to walk out with arms out to the people we meet.  It is Christ that I find that courage.  It is in knowing that Christ died on the cross for my sins and finding rebirth in the love of the Holy Ghost each day.

I also think the line "there's nothing you have that I need" is a direct statement to the world, and should be one we as Christians make at every opportunity.  The world has nothing to offer us.  The world is sin, the world is devil's playground and we should reject its siren song.  It is only through God's grace that rejecting sin is possible.  It is, as Bono sings later in this song, "I've found grace that's all I've found, now I can breathe."

Monday, Tuesday, happy day

While it is not completely happy because my wife is ill, I find myself being more content and less worried as I make a conscious effort to focus on being a better person and living my life the way God would want --  I assume this is a good thing.  Tomorrow should be a big test, as I have to drive all over south Arkansas, have a hearing in the morning and prep a 17-year old for his court testimony in the afternoon.  If I am able to keep my patience through that it will be a successful day.

I'm back

Not that there is anyone reading this to know, but as I was working in the yard today I saw birds flying from tree to tree and began to think about the beauty their song.  At that moment I realized that birds don't sing for the enjoyment of others, they sing because that is what God made them to do.  For all of my life I have struggled with how to pray.  I do great with little short prayers throughout the day, but sitting (or kneeling) down at a certain time of day to focus on God and my relationship with God has always been a struggle for me.  I made a focused and conscious daily attempt to pray a part of my Lenten activities (for lack of a better word) this year.  I did well for most of Lent at putting in the time, even if it was sometimes awkward.  But, as most Lenten resolutions (again, cannot really find the right word for it), I have struggled post-Easter. There always seems to be some excuse I have made at the end of the day, always something else that seems more important in the moment than prayer.

As with a great many things in my life, I struggle with making the right decision in the moment. I assume most people do, and that is how we get into trouble, i.e., commit sin. I struggle with that with food and with prayer.  So, there I am, struggling to make my back yard presentable, thinking about the birds and I realize, just like the birds sing because that is what God has made them to do, so has God made us, and more specifically me, to worship Him, to praise Him.  I thought, if I cannot do in a "normal" way by kneeling each night and reflecting in prayer I will do it on here, since no one reads this anyway. This will be my own little journal of prayer.  So, if you have somehow stumbled upon this blog, I hope God has worked through me in some way to reach you.