Its 4:00 a.m. and I have yet to sleep. For some reason the Gout in my right foot has been inflamed tonight and I cannot sleep from the pain. Not only that, but starting tomorrow I have to go to Little Rock for a 3-day training that will take me away from my home and my wife. Being away from her is always difficult, but to make things even more stressful this time is the fact that electric wheel chair is on the blink and will, at times, leave her stranded in the middle of the house and she is not able to move at all.
If that wasn't enough, I fear that I will have to have a little "sit down" session with my boss over some things that have happened in the last few weeks at work. It wouldn't be nearly as stressful if I had any confidence that she would listen and be open to what I had to say about it. I feel confident that I could make her understand my reasoning for doing what I did, if she would be open to what I had to say. However, I have no reason to believe, given how she has reacted to the situation thus far, that her mind is in any way open. It will be more preaching and talking down to me, like I am some idiot. I pray daily for the grace to handle this situation. I have a long smart-ass streak in me, and will I really need God's Grace to keep that in check.
As much as I love certain individual people and I Love all people, I really have a hard time liking people in large groups. Going to this training is going to be not fun in that I have to sit and listen to boring people talk about a horrible subject matter in a boring way.
Please pray for me over the next few days as I struggle to find God's Will during this time.
"If you want to be happy, really really happy, use your talents to serve others." - Eduardo Verastegui
The ramblings of a man who fell away from the practice of his Catholic faith, only to return upon the realization that he could no longer call himself Catholic without being fully in union with the Magisterium of the Catholic Chirch. This is about growing up Catholic and growing as a Catholic.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
My Mother Mary Hail
These last few weeks have been very difficult for me at work. I talked a little bit about it in my last post. I didn't go into all the details and I won't bore you with them now. I will say that for most of the three years I have been practicing in the area of child welfare I have loved my job. At times this practice made me in awe of how someone as simple and sinful as me could make such a profound and positive impact in someone's life with God's Grace. It has also broken me down with disbelief and disgust at what some people do to themselves and their families. However, in the last few weeks I had grown to really not like it much. This was the same feeling that I had in my private practice prior to moving to south Arkansas and taking on this calling. That had more to do with what as going on in my private life; this is more to do with what was going on at work. In fact, I was at the point where I was dreading going into work each day. I was dreading the very thing that I was sure God was calling me to do. Few times in my life had I felt that helpless. That was, until last night.
I find sitting outside in the quiet and stillness of the night to be very relaxing. Of course, in Arkansas there are only a few weeks in the Spring and a few in the Fall that the temperatures are not unbearably cold or hot. Luckily for me, this is the time of year when the weather is amazing and sitting outside enjoying nature is the most enjoyable. So, last night I decided to sit outside, smoke my pipe and do some reading in hopes that it would help me forget my worries. At the last minute I decided to take my prayer book and say the Rosary. I used to say the Rosary all the time; I don't any more. I read The Secrets of the Rosary a few months back and it didn't get me as excited about saying the Rosary as I had hoped it would. However, last night, something was calling me to my Rosary.
Like most Catholics, I guess, I have a favorite Rosary. My Rosary is one that I got at Confirmation as a gift from the man who taught the confirmation class (all 3 or 4 of us). We didn't really like the guy at the time, thought he was something of a bore and a rube. But, the older I got the more I grew to appreciate the man he was. Now, it is the only Rosary I use. So, I got out my prayer book and started in. Prayed the Creed, the first Our Father, the three Hail Mary's, the Glory Be and read the passage for the first Joyful Mystery, the Annunciation. I never got to the second Joyful Mystery. I never finished that Rosary.
As I said the Hail Mary's and meditated on that particular Mystery, I couldn't help but think of me and my job situation. Luke 1:38 says, "Mary said, 'Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord. May it be done to me according to your word.'" My thoughts wondered to how terrified Mary must have been. I'm far from a Biblical scholar, but she had to be in her teens when the angel Gabriel appeared to her. The Gospel of Luke reflects that she was afraid and unsure of how such a thing could be. Then, instantly she gave her whole life to God. She gave up her hopes and dreams so that God's Will would be done in her life. One can only imagine if she truly understood what she was taking on.
I began to ponder the strength and faith that must have taken. I began to wonder why I couldn't muster even a sliver of such faith in my own life. I reflected on all God's blessing in my life: a great job, a beautiful, loving wife and other blessings too numerous to mention. Yet, despite all of these blessings of which I am certainly undeserving, all I could do was obsess over a few bad weeks at work. All I could do was be fearful over my own shortcomings. I begin to realize that such fear and negative obsession was not only counterproductive to my job performance and my health; it was having a huge impact on my spiritual well being. Not only was I was finding it difficult to forgive, I was slipping in my faith that God would provide. In an instant I realized that this would not do, that this could not continue. It was in that Rosary that I was able to put aside my petty differences and to lose my fear. In that Rosary I found the strength and faith to say "Your Will be done" and live the life He would have me live.
Thank you for taking the time to read my ramblings. I pray that God will bless you. In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.
"If you want to be happy, really really happy, use your talents to serve others." - Eduardo Verastegui
I find sitting outside in the quiet and stillness of the night to be very relaxing. Of course, in Arkansas there are only a few weeks in the Spring and a few in the Fall that the temperatures are not unbearably cold or hot. Luckily for me, this is the time of year when the weather is amazing and sitting outside enjoying nature is the most enjoyable. So, last night I decided to sit outside, smoke my pipe and do some reading in hopes that it would help me forget my worries. At the last minute I decided to take my prayer book and say the Rosary. I used to say the Rosary all the time; I don't any more. I read The Secrets of the Rosary a few months back and it didn't get me as excited about saying the Rosary as I had hoped it would. However, last night, something was calling me to my Rosary.
Like most Catholics, I guess, I have a favorite Rosary. My Rosary is one that I got at Confirmation as a gift from the man who taught the confirmation class (all 3 or 4 of us). We didn't really like the guy at the time, thought he was something of a bore and a rube. But, the older I got the more I grew to appreciate the man he was. Now, it is the only Rosary I use. So, I got out my prayer book and started in. Prayed the Creed, the first Our Father, the three Hail Mary's, the Glory Be and read the passage for the first Joyful Mystery, the Annunciation. I never got to the second Joyful Mystery. I never finished that Rosary.
As I said the Hail Mary's and meditated on that particular Mystery, I couldn't help but think of me and my job situation. Luke 1:38 says, "Mary said, 'Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord. May it be done to me according to your word.'" My thoughts wondered to how terrified Mary must have been. I'm far from a Biblical scholar, but she had to be in her teens when the angel Gabriel appeared to her. The Gospel of Luke reflects that she was afraid and unsure of how such a thing could be. Then, instantly she gave her whole life to God. She gave up her hopes and dreams so that God's Will would be done in her life. One can only imagine if she truly understood what she was taking on.
I began to ponder the strength and faith that must have taken. I began to wonder why I couldn't muster even a sliver of such faith in my own life. I reflected on all God's blessing in my life: a great job, a beautiful, loving wife and other blessings too numerous to mention. Yet, despite all of these blessings of which I am certainly undeserving, all I could do was obsess over a few bad weeks at work. All I could do was be fearful over my own shortcomings. I begin to realize that such fear and negative obsession was not only counterproductive to my job performance and my health; it was having a huge impact on my spiritual well being. Not only was I was finding it difficult to forgive, I was slipping in my faith that God would provide. In an instant I realized that this would not do, that this could not continue. It was in that Rosary that I was able to put aside my petty differences and to lose my fear. In that Rosary I found the strength and faith to say "Your Will be done" and live the life He would have me live.
Thank you for taking the time to read my ramblings. I pray that God will bless you. In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.
"If you want to be happy, really really happy, use your talents to serve others." - Eduardo Verastegui
Friday, October 1, 2010
A long time coming
It has been a really long time since my last post. There are several things I want to talk about. First, it's Friday (throw your neighborhood in the air) and I am feeling as relieved as I have in a long long time. These last few weeks have been stressful. This past week I have been stressful to the point of almost being physically ill. I haven't had an assistant and carrying a full case load for two months now. I was scheduled to be in court four days this week and on Monday. I thought I was never going to make it. Luckily for me, not so much for her, but the judge in my court on Thursday got sick and I got to spend the whole day in the office. That was just what the doctor ordered. I just hope that the judge is feeling better. My new assistant is starting Monday. I doubt she will be as good as my last assistant, she does have tough act to follow. I am just glad that I have someone competent to help.
I posted "Some days this job just isn't worth it" on Twitter the other day. This was one of the worst parts of my week. As soon as I posted it I began to think about what I had said. I work in the field of child welfare through the grace of God -- it certainly wasn't something I looked at from the outside and thought would be something I would like. If I were making decisions on what kind of law to practice and where to practice based upon my will, I certainly would not have chosen juvenile law in South Arkansas. But I made a decision over three years ago to give up that part of my life to God and follow His Will. His Will has me a lot broker. His Will exposes me to the worst possible things people could do to their kids. His Will has me often time depressed over their sufferings.
However, His Will fills my heart with joy. His Will gives me the Grace to endure. His Will is that I take up this cross and use it for His glory. His Will is that I grow closer to him by praying for their sufferings. His Will is that I be still. His Will is what makes my job amazingly enjoyable (most days anyway).
I use the talents God has blessed me with to help the abused children of Arkansas out of Love. That statement was made out of selfishness. Granted, these past few weeks have been very difficult. But for me to say that God's Will for my life is not worth it is as blasphemous as any statement I could make. I am well overdue for confession, that statement makes going this weekend even more of a must.
I friend of mine from high school posted something on Facebook last night struck me and I have been thinking about all day. She posted that her uncle said something that she has been meditating on, "All that God blesses you with is not for you." That honestly stopped me in my tracks. Suddenly all my problems seemed so small. I instantly regained focus on living my life according to His Will. All the selfishness and self-pity in my heart was swept away and ten-fold of joy took its place. In an instant I re-identified with the fact that my life is not about me, but about living a life that glorifies God.
Thank you for taking the time to read my ramblings. I pray that God will bless you. In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.
"If you want to be happy, really really happy, use your talents to serve others." - Eduardo Verastegui
I posted "Some days this job just isn't worth it" on Twitter the other day. This was one of the worst parts of my week. As soon as I posted it I began to think about what I had said. I work in the field of child welfare through the grace of God -- it certainly wasn't something I looked at from the outside and thought would be something I would like. If I were making decisions on what kind of law to practice and where to practice based upon my will, I certainly would not have chosen juvenile law in South Arkansas. But I made a decision over three years ago to give up that part of my life to God and follow His Will. His Will has me a lot broker. His Will exposes me to the worst possible things people could do to their kids. His Will has me often time depressed over their sufferings.
However, His Will fills my heart with joy. His Will gives me the Grace to endure. His Will is that I take up this cross and use it for His glory. His Will is that I grow closer to him by praying for their sufferings. His Will is that I be still. His Will is what makes my job amazingly enjoyable (most days anyway).
I use the talents God has blessed me with to help the abused children of Arkansas out of Love. That statement was made out of selfishness. Granted, these past few weeks have been very difficult. But for me to say that God's Will for my life is not worth it is as blasphemous as any statement I could make. I am well overdue for confession, that statement makes going this weekend even more of a must.
I friend of mine from high school posted something on Facebook last night struck me and I have been thinking about all day. She posted that her uncle said something that she has been meditating on, "All that God blesses you with is not for you." That honestly stopped me in my tracks. Suddenly all my problems seemed so small. I instantly regained focus on living my life according to His Will. All the selfishness and self-pity in my heart was swept away and ten-fold of joy took its place. In an instant I re-identified with the fact that my life is not about me, but about living a life that glorifies God.
Thank you for taking the time to read my ramblings. I pray that God will bless you. In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.
"If you want to be happy, really really happy, use your talents to serve others." - Eduardo Verastegui
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