These last few weeks have been very difficult for me at work. I talked a little bit about it in my last post. I didn't go into all the details and I won't bore you with them now. I will say that for most of the three years I have been practicing in the area of child welfare I have loved my job. At times this practice made me in awe of how someone as simple and sinful as me could make such a profound and positive impact in someone's life with God's Grace. It has also broken me down with disbelief and disgust at what some people do to themselves and their families. However, in the last few weeks I had grown to really not like it much. This was the same feeling that I had in my private practice prior to moving to south Arkansas and taking on this calling. That had more to do with what as going on in my private life; this is more to do with what was going on at work. In fact, I was at the point where I was dreading going into work each day. I was dreading the very thing that I was sure God was calling me to do. Few times in my life had I felt that helpless. That was, until last night.
I find sitting outside in the quiet and stillness of the night to be very relaxing. Of course, in Arkansas there are only a few weeks in the Spring and a few in the Fall that the temperatures are not unbearably cold or hot. Luckily for me, this is the time of year when the weather is amazing and sitting outside enjoying nature is the most enjoyable. So, last night I decided to sit outside, smoke my pipe and do some reading in hopes that it would help me forget my worries. At the last minute I decided to take my prayer book and say the Rosary. I used to say the Rosary all the time; I don't any more. I read The Secrets of the Rosary a few months back and it didn't get me as excited about saying the Rosary as I had hoped it would. However, last night, something was calling me to my Rosary.
Like most Catholics, I guess, I have a favorite Rosary. My Rosary is one that I got at Confirmation as a gift from the man who taught the confirmation class (all 3 or 4 of us). We didn't really like the guy at the time, thought he was something of a bore and a rube. But, the older I got the more I grew to appreciate the man he was. Now, it is the only Rosary I use. So, I got out my prayer book and started in. Prayed the Creed, the first Our Father, the three Hail Mary's, the Glory Be and read the passage for the first Joyful Mystery, the Annunciation. I never got to the second Joyful Mystery. I never finished that Rosary.
As I said the Hail Mary's and meditated on that particular Mystery, I couldn't help but think of me and my job situation. Luke 1:38 says, "Mary said, 'Behold, I am the handmaid of the Lord. May it be done to me according to your word.'" My thoughts wondered to how terrified Mary must have been. I'm far from a Biblical scholar, but she had to be in her teens when the angel Gabriel appeared to her. The Gospel of Luke reflects that she was afraid and unsure of how such a thing could be. Then, instantly she gave her whole life to God. She gave up her hopes and dreams so that God's Will would be done in her life. One can only imagine if she truly understood what she was taking on.
I began to ponder the strength and faith that must have taken. I began to wonder why I couldn't muster even a sliver of such faith in my own life. I reflected on all God's blessing in my life: a great job, a beautiful, loving wife and other blessings too numerous to mention. Yet, despite all of these blessings of which I am certainly undeserving, all I could do was obsess over a few bad weeks at work. All I could do was be fearful over my own shortcomings. I begin to realize that such fear and negative obsession was not only counterproductive to my job performance and my health; it was having a huge impact on my spiritual well being. Not only was I was finding it difficult to forgive, I was slipping in my faith that God would provide. In an instant I realized that this would not do, that this could not continue. It was in that Rosary that I was able to put aside my petty differences and to lose my fear. In that Rosary I found the strength and faith to say "Your Will be done" and live the life He would have me live.
Thank you for taking the time to read my ramblings. I pray that God will bless you. In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.
"If you want to be happy, really really happy, use your talents to serve others." - Eduardo Verastegui
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