The Beginning

These past 8-9 months have seen the occurrence of a revelation of sorts in my life. It all started when I read a book entitled “The People of fthe Lie.”  I do not recall who it is by, but I should find him and send him a thank you card. 

I have come to realize that events of my childhood have blead into my adulthood and have had a dramatically negative affect. I won’t go so far as to say it was childhood trauma, because that would be over stating what I experienced.  

What I hope to share is how the revelation of this book started a chain reaction that has plotted my life along a more joyful and hope-filled course. 

Mary Blessed Virgin the Immaculate Conception and Undoer of Knots pray for us sinners. 

One year

It was one year ago today that my best friend's life came crashing down around him. His drinking had lead an incident at his home where the police have been involved and he is now losing his home, his marriage and every material thing he once worked so hard to gain. 

In this year he has had some extreme lows. He has had days that I wasn't sure he had the will to live. There were moments he o wanted to take the easy path and take a drink and light up a cig. Through his own determination and mostly through God's grace he has been one year without a drink and without alcohol. 

I cannot put into words the awe I feel when I think about his journey. While I in no way envy the dark days he has experienced over the last year, I do look at the peace he now enjoys and want to have that in my life. I know his prayer life is also something that I could emulate.  

The thing I see in him now that I most want to emulate is his total surrender to God's will in his life. I know in my life I sometimes like to think that I have done that, but when I am honest with myself I know that is only a delusion. I do fervently desire God's will in my life, but at the same time have a death grip on things trying to control them that I am finding harder and harder to release.

I know I need God, I am scared by how much. 

Tremors in the force

Seems like every year at this time, when my website domain renewal is up, I try to come back to this site and give it "one more try."  This time I am not fooling myself. I can't keep a thought together long enough that the money will be worth it. 

I have struggled with hope for some time and the last few weeks has been as bad as ever. How can I share my faith and show the beauty of God grace if I suffer from an acute lack of joy and hope? How do I convince anyone that Catholicism is worthwhile if I am always fearful and pessimistic?  

Do I have to be happy?

Over the past few months I have been doing a great deal of struggling in the past few months in dealing with all the things in my life. One of the things that's has resulted from this is questioning in my mind about whether or not one can have the Love and Grace of God and have a bad disposition. 

To put it another way, can not may and not should but is it possible to live a truly Christian life and do so with a bad attitude?  I am reminded of the words of Saint Paul in Phillipians where he talks about if his jailers kill him he will be with God and if they free him he can go on preaching God's word in the world and either way is a win. How can I read that passage, take it into me and not be joyous?  

Let me be clear about one thing. I am not talking about being grumpy or having bad days every now and again.  I am talking about despising what Godis calling me to do. I mean can I truly give my life to God, do my best to let my will succumb to His and be mad about it?

Contemplation and Love

"Show us your goodness present in every creature – that we may contemplate your glory everywhere." 

This is from the Intercessions from the morning prayer in the liturgy of the hours today. 

I often make a point to take time to look at the natural world around me and to let its beauty and magesty awe me. The harder thing is to look at the people around me and be in awe. It is much easier look at the people around me, be jealous of some of them, feel superior to some of them, be disgusted by some of them, but above all find faults in all of them.

How do I contemplate God's Glory in the person that had just cut me off in traffic? How do I contemplate God's Glory in the homeless man on the street corner?  How do I contemplate God's Glory in those that hate me?

My favorite podcast "Catholic Stuff You Should Know" is thankfully back after months of being on a break. This podcast is done by priests from Denver. In this week's episode they talk about why they had a long break, were discussing 1 Correnthians 13 and all that Love is. They made a point that we are called  to be all things that Love is, not parts. I know I am good at some of the things Love is and need lots of work on others. 

Lord, may we grow in love for you and for all that you created. May we show that Love to the least among us and cast away all selfish and prideful thoughts. It is only by your Grace that we grow in Love for those around us and Love them as You Love us. 

Today

I have many more questions in my heart than answers. I have more troubles in my mind than in my life. I have plenty of time and not enough prayer. I have far too much sin on my heart. 

Focus is now and always has been my problem, in life and in prayer. The inability to stay focused and the lack of a will to focus on the right things. Failure to focus on the a indent good in my life. Failure to focus on anyone but myself. 

Anger

Things have transpired at my work this past week that have caused me to have a lot of anger in my heart.  I am not sure if I would call what I feel hatred, but it is awful close. What the events were are not important, but lets just say that a ball was dropped and big trouble was had.  One particular person has been on a rampage blaming me ever since and I find myself in a position I am not accustomed to, I am not sure how to respond.

I am a grand master, gold medalist, world champion at lashing out in response.  I am world class at responding out of anger and going straight for the kill shot.  One of the things I have worked very hard at checking that sort of response. It is the next step and what is the appropriate way to respond that has me bumfuzzled. 

I must admit that somewhere in there is mixed in sadness because my superiors are not supporting me.  I don't know how much of a roll that plays in my level of confusion, but it certainly is a part.  Part of the problem also is that I have a new supervisor, one that isn't familiar with the history between this person lashing out and me. A history of her making wild outlandish accusations toward me and not being called on them by her superiors or mine.

I will just have to continue to pray for peace and grace.  I knew a time of desolation was coming, I had been enjoying the blessing of an extended period of consolation.  I will continue to trust in God.


"If you want to be happy, really really happy, use your talents to serve others." - Eduardo Verastegui

Psalm 33 (or 34)

In the past few months I have been reading the Douay Rhemis version of the Bible.  The US Bishops dictate that New American Bible (NAB) is used during Mass, but the more I study the scriptures, the more I find that version wanting.  For several years now I have had an app for my phone with different translations of the Bible.  In sticking with the Bishops I have always read the NAB.  The Douay Rhemis is a difficult read as it is written in a style of English that is not used today.  Whereas, the NAB is written for a broad audience.

It is this difficulty that has made my reading of the scripture come alive.  Because it is more difficult to understand, I have to think about what I am reading.  When I read a verse in the Douay Rhems, I have to restate it in my mind in a way that I can understand -- into my own words.  In doing this I process the verse and take into myself.  With the NAB, which is more plainly written, I find myself more prone to not take the words into myself and they just slip through my consciecness. 

Somewhere along the line of the different translations the numbering of the Psalms got mixed up.  I don't know why or when it happened, or any other details about it, I just know that the numbering is different depending on what translation you a reading. In the middle of this Psalm,  it says, "Who is the man that desireth life: who loveth to see good days?" Psalm 33:13. (See what I mean about the language of the Douay Rhems?)  The NAB translate that to, "Who among you loves life, takes delight in prosperous days?" Psalm 34:13.

What does that mean, to "love life," or more applicably, how does the person that "loves life" live?  A modern person might say it means to go out and do those things that you like.  Another might say it means to do things that make you feel alive.  Some might say it means to enjoy family and friends.  It is easy to see where a self-centered mind set can take this verse and profess it to be Biblical approval for doing whatever the individual wants.  The modern approach to perfection is seen in outward, physical beauty.  This may be in owning the best car, the newest smartphone, the biggest house, the fanciest furnishing, the right look.

For those of us who seek something more than the endless and hopeless task of fulfilling our every concupiscent desire, the answer to that question is much more complex. It is this search that informs the very basis of our, or at least my, Christian life.  How do I manifest my desire for eternal life?  What do I view as a "good day"?  More importantly, how do I keep my perspective being that today being is good/prosperous day even when things are bad? The only answer I have is PRAYER.  It is through prayer that I have found the ability to have the joy that is knowing God love you and will provide for you.  It is this joy which keeps me balanced.   It is this joy that keeps me striving to empty myself and allow God to fill me.  The harder I work at emptying my will, the more he fills me up.

"If you want to be happy, really really happy, use your talents to serve others." - Eduardo Verastegui

So much for that

We had the good fortune of have Father Longenecker speak at our Parish a while back. His talk has inspired my series of posts (so far there has been only two, so I guess that makes a series?) about my faith journey. One of the pieces of advice he gave me about blogging is to post something every day.  Well, reality is that with my job and marital responsibilities I just can't do that.  However, I am taking a week's vacation this week and I wanted to post something all nine days.  It only took until day two for me to fail.  Yay me!

I did make a pretty awesome discovery about myself yesterday.  One of the ways I have grown in my faith is my appreciation for the Eucharist, which is a really unsuitable way of saying what I mean.  Yesterday at Mass, my tummy was feeling upset.  Normally I would have ducked out of the pew and went straight home.  But yesterday, I found myself fighting that urge because I wanted and needed to stay to receive the Eucharist.  It was something that I am growing ever more in love with and have a longing for every day.

Hmmm, that gives me an idea, maybe I will try daily mass a few times this week and see what that brings.
 

"If you want to be happy, really really happy, use your talents to serve others." - Eduardo Verastegui

Uncharted territory

 My parents instilled in my a very strong work ethic. (I think we should create a new word called worthic which means "worth ethic."  I am going to google that word in a few days and see if this post comes up.)  Anyway, I am taking a week-long vacation for the first time in a long time.  My goal is to post something, even it is something small, every day.  I want to see what I can come up with when I don't have the pressures of my "real job" on a daily basis. 

I started reading Father Longenecker's book More Christianity.*  In this book, Father Longenecker sets out to explain the Catholic faith in its fullness to an Evangelical Protestant.  I hope it inspires me to start to forulate a presentation I have in my head that I want to give at my local parish for non-Catholics in the community setting out why we believe what we believe.  In a world where I get what I want, I would have Father Longeneck's book read and most of that presentation completed by the end of my vacation.  We will see how that goes . . .

*that is another goal of my vacation week is to read at least that book.


One thing I think about a lot when it comes to our Protestant brothers and sisters is how they get to the believes they do.  One large sticking point is of course the real presence of Jesus in the Eucharist.  One of the ways I have devised to discuss this issue with a Protestant who would be willing to have an open conversation about it (something that is hard do to because: 1) religion is an emotional hot button issue for many; and 2) no one wants to admit they are wrong -- me or anyone.)  But my question is intended more for them to think than attempting to force them to any admission of a shortcoming. 

Here are the following preconditions necessary for the question, but all are sure to be readily admitted to and full-heartily believed by every self-professed Christian:

1) Jesus died for our sins on the cross;
2) Jesus rose from the dead; and
3) at the very end of Matthew's Gospel, Jesus says He will be with us always.

With those givens in place, here is the question:

If Jesus is alive and will be with us always, where is the alive body of Christ in your Church? 

I would expect some precarious verbal gymnastics and dancing around the issue.  And that's fine.  But the question isn't intended to put them on the spot and demands an immediate answer.  The question is hopeful to make them think and question the foundations of their denomination (it just hit me, does that word not sound an awful lot like demon? -- makes me wonder even more if the division of Jesus' people was not wrought by Luther, a lot like Lucifer . . . ?)






"If you want to be happy, really really happy, use your talents to serve others." - Eduardo Verastegui