"I never claimed to be a hero, and I never said I was a saint." Lyrics from Temptation by one of my favorite artists of all time, Billy Joel. That line pretty much describes how I feel right now.
After a long hard week in which I had at least a half-day of court every day, I am very thankful for the weekend. Working in the field of child protective services and adult protective services takes an extra toll, more than just working long hours having to stay mentally alert with few breaks. Not that I am complaining, I absolutely feel very blessed to have the God-given gifts to be an attorney and be able to use those gifts to help those less fortunate. However, my attitude has really suffered this evening.
I guess I am just trying to say that after such a long hard week I am finding it very difficult to have a good attitude about being a husband and friend. After spending the last few weeks failing myself in my quest to healthier, I am spending tonight failing the Lord in what he calls me (and all of us) to first, Loving others. It is beyond my comprehension how I knowingly and all but purposefully fail, yet the Lord still blesses.
Despite every good intentions and well meaning effort I have given, I cannot Love unceasingly. Despite prayer and contemplation, I cannot suffer hurt from others and not fail to Love them. Despite knowing that God has called me to give all that I am, I find myself rationalizing with an eye-for-an-eye mentality. It is in this failure that I find my deepest despair. It is this failure that I feel most helpless to overcome. It is this weakness that causes me the most shame and difficulty in seeking the Spirit's help.
Only His Love, Love that defies all human definition, can explain how despite my sin the Lord continues to bless me. It is in His Love that I can have confidence in forgiveness of my sins. It is His Love that makes my heart smile and my spirit rise.